[SALFORD RED]

Police were last night stunned after attending an incident in the outskirts of Liverpool where a vehicle was found to have all of its wheels on.

An alert member of the public used his mobile phone to contact Merseyside Police after he was drawn to the small crowd gathering around the suspect vehicle within minutes of it parking up.

Officers were on the scene within minutes and were forced to use loudhailers to instruct the by now huge crowd to "CALM DOWN!" and cordoned the immediate vicinity around the car off.

The vehicle, a 1993 Ford Fiesta drew gasps from onlookers as armed Police indicated they had also identified a valid tax disc located in the windshield area and within minutes of this they discovered the vehicle was in fact parked legally. Further investigation by specialists revealed the car held a valid MOT certificate and was legitimately insured.

A spokesman for Merseyside Police, Chief Inspector Terry Toxteth last night admitted he was "flabbergasted" by the incident, although he admitted the owner has been detained for further questioning and CCTV footage was also being examined by forensic experts.

The area remains closed to the public as investigations continue.
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London, England - In a hitherto unsuspected display of military and technological prowess, the tiny Central European Principality of Liechtenstein this morning launched an ICBM and successfully exploded it over the northern English city of Liverpool.

The nuclear device, estimated in the 5-8 megaton range, exploded directly over the landmark Liver building. The immediate death toll is estimated at between 500,000 and 600,000,causing a huge drop in the British unemployment figures

A spokesman for the Liechtenstein government said: "Vell, ve had ze bomb so it seemed a pity not to use it. Ve chose Liverpool because Ve knew the rest of Great Britain vould not mind"

Liverpool, home of the Beatles, Liverpool F.C, Everton F.C, Gerry and the Pacemakers and the most irritating accent in these islands, is indeed being largely unmourned. Prime minister Gordan Browne expressed his formal sympathy but was overheard muttering to an aide: "This means the crime figures will plummet in the next sweep"

Former PM, Tony Blair, was openly exultant,understandable perhaps as his in-laws come from Liverpool.Said Blair "I understand that some collateral damage has been caused in nearby Birkenhead, but a few thousand deaths there are a small price to pay.God I'm so happy."

Scientists have expressed surprise at the huge death toll.Professor Arnold Moss of Norwich University said."It was always assumed that only ****roaches and Liverpudlians would survive a nuclear strike, at least we now know its just ****roaches."
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Someone has stolen the wheels of La Princesse, the 50ft (15m) spider after crowds packed the streets of Liverpool to follow the mechanical beast on its walkabout from the Cunard building through the city.

It was found abandoned in a side street - perched on bricks.

Mike Doran, of the Liverpool Culture Company, said: "I can't believe some thieving 'scally' would do this - nick the wheels of the spider - now it won't be able to continue tomorrow - I know I am one but I have to say 'thieving Scouse *******s!"

Nicky Webb, a director of Artichoke - the company producing the show - said that the stereo was also missing from the arachnoid.

She said: "Some CD's too."
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