Dirk Kuyt joke.

[piazza]

Dirk Kuyt went into a Liverpool Burger King demanding two whoppers, to which the assistant responded: "you're extremely handsome, and your first touch is excellent."

When asked why he rotates his squad so much Rafa was quoted as saying: "it keeps the burglars guessing who's going to be home on matchday."

[abojodeh]

lmao :D :D

[piazza]

lmao :D :D
I almost feel bad because they're such easy targets.

[abojodeh]

the second one is class :D :) :)

[piazza]

the second one is class :D :) :)
Thanks, I nicked both of them off "I'm on Setanta Sports" which may be the funniest 4-7 minutes on TV. :)

[abojodeh]

lol :)
really class joke
but there is something tell me that its true
2006/2007 gerrard and crouch got robbed
but the last season when he used the rotation system more than the season before
only reina got his house robbed :) :cool:

[piazza]

lol :)
really class joke
but there is something tell me that its true
2006/2007 gerrard and crouch got robbed
but the last season when he used the rotation system more than the season before
only reina got his house robbed :) :cool:
Lol I forget when, but I remember Riise's house got robbed even before the best goal of his career against CFC in the 2nd leg :p

[abojodeh]

Lol I forget when, but I remember Riise's house got robbed even before the best goal of his career against CFC in the 2nd leg :p
that was benitez who robbed risse house :p
just for revenge :D

[piazza]

that was benitez who robbed risse house :p
just for revenge :D
Something tells me John's kitchen was laid bare then :p

[abojodeh]

Something tells me John's kitchen was laid bare then :p
gerrard done that :cool: (let the door open)
rafa have a gang that steals his off form players houses :D
the gang members are said to be liverpool most prestigious legends
song , dundee , traoare , and sami lee
______________________________
btw here is some classy scouse jokes

Q: Define confusion
A: Fathers day in Liverpool

Q: Why are Liverpool supporters useless at making Pancakes?
A: Because they're all useless tossers

Q: Why wasn't Jesus born in Merseyside?
A: Because God couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.
:)

[piazza]

gerrard done that :cool: (let the door open)
rafa have a gang that steals his off form players :D
the gang members are said to be liverpool most prestigious legends
song , dundee , traoare , and sami lee
______________________________
btw here is some classy scouse jokes

Q: Define confusion
A: Fathers day in Liverpool

Q: Why are Liverpool supporters useless at making Pancakes?
A: Because they're all useless tossers

Q: Why wasn't Jesus born in Merseyside?
A: Because God couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.
:)
Why are scousers like laxatives?
Because they irritate the ***** outta you.

Why does the River Mersey run through Liverpool?
Cause if it walked it'd get mugged.

What do you call a scouser in a court case?
The defendant.

[abojodeh]

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days. Eventually, the Archangel Gabriel found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God, "Where have you been?" God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look Gabriel, look what I've made."

Archangel Gabriel looked puzzled and said, "What is it?" "It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance." "Balance?" inquired Gabriel, still confused. God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth, "For example, North America will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while South America is going to be poor.

Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people.," God continued, pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice." The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a populated area in the land of Great Britain and said "What's that?" "Ah," said God. "That's Manchester, the most glorious place on Earth. glorious parks, and buildings, great music and world dominating football teams. The people from Manchester are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found traveling the worldas expatriats. They'll be extremely sociable, hard-working and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace."

Gabriel gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "What about balance, God? You said there will be balance!" God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the lazy, arrogant, *******s I'm putting next to them in Liverpool."
:D

[piazza]

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days. Eventually, the Archangel Gabriel found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God, "Where have you been?" God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look Gabriel, look what I've made."

Archangel Gabriel looked puzzled and said, "What is it?" "It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance." "Balance?" inquired Gabriel, still confused. God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth, "For example, North America will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while South America is going to be poor.

Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people.," God continued, pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice." The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a populated area in the land of Great Britain and said "What's that?" "Ah," said God. "That's Manchester, the most glorious place on Earth. glorious parks, and buildings, great music and world dominating football teams. The people from Manchester are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found traveling the worldas expatriats. They'll be extremely sociable, hard-working and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace."

Gabriel gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "What about balance, God? You said there will be balance!" God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the lazy, arrogant, *******s I'm putting next to them in Liverpool."
:D
lmao:p

[thekeanefella]

very funny indeed. lol

[piazza]

the gang members are said to be liverpool most prestigious legends
song , dundee , traoare , and sami lee
______________________________
:)
Liverpool's new signing, Rigobert Song from Cameroon, has just played his first game for the (once) 'Mighty Reds'. He dashes into the players lounge and phones his mother to tell her all about it. "Oh, Rigobert"...she squeals....."....I am so pleased and proud of you, at last you are playing for a great team......they may not be as great as they once were, but I hear they have won the European Cup four times. ....but, son.....things are not so good at home. I am really worried. The violence is getting too much, your sister has been raped twice, your dear Grandmother has been attacked in the street, there is raw sewage running down the roads, its becoming more like a war-zone every day.

How we let you talk us into coming and living in Liverpool, I'll never know...."

______________________________
Three Liverpool Supporters were in a pub and spotted a United fan at the bar. The first one said he was going to **** him off. He walked over to the United fan and tapped him on the shoulder.

"Hey Manc, I hear your David Beckham is a poof".
"Really? I didn't know that".
Puzzled, the Scouser walked back to his buddies.
"I told him Beckham was a poof and he didn't care"!
"You just don't know how to set him off, watch and learn".
The second Scouser walked over and tapped the United fan on the shoulder.
"Hey Manc, I hear your David Beckham is a transvestite poof"!
"Oh, Christ I wasn't aware of that, thanks".
Shocked beyond belief, the Scouser went back to his buddies.
"You're right. He is unshakeable!"
The third Scouser said "No, no, no, I will really **** him off, you just watch".
The Scouser walked over to the United fan, tapped him on the shoulder and said.........

"Hey Manc I hear your David Beckham is a Liverpool Supporter!"
"Apparently so. Just as your mates said earlier"
______________________________
Q. Why can't you circumcise a Scouser?
A. Because there is no end to those *****s.

Q. Why do pigeons fly upside down over Liverpool?
A. Because there's nothing worth ****ting on.

40 scousers arrived at heaven's gates. St Peter says, 'We've only room for 12 so decide amongst yourselves who's coming in.'
5 mins later St Peter says to God, 'They've gone!'
God replies, 'What, all 40 of them?'
St Peter says, 'No, the ******** gates!'

Q: How many Liverpool fans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Yeah, as if they have electricity in Liverpool...

What should you do if you see a scouse jogging?
Trip him up and give the lady's purse back to her.

[-zuco-]

Some good ones here lads, keep 'em coming :D

[piazza]

If you see a Scouser on a bike, why should you never swerve to hit him?
It's probably your bike.

What do you call a Scouser in a three-bed semi?
A burglar.

What do you say to a Scouser with a job?
Big Mac please.

One day a scouser dies so before he goes to heaven he arrives at the gates of St Peters.
"Age?" Peter asks.
"24" the little scouser replied.
"Where did you live?"
"Well, um, Liverpool"
"Were you blue or were you red" asked St. Peter.
"Red till I died" replied the scouser.
"Sorry no scousers allowed into heaven they are all robbing little ****s!"
"But but I have done good things."
"Like what?"
"Well, last week I gave a tenner to the homeless the week before that I gave a tenner to oxfam and the day I died I gave a tenner to the heart foundation!"
"Well I will see what I can do I will go and explain the situation to God."
After half an hour out comes St. Peter followed by god who is wearing a united shirt.
"Right I heard what you have done with all the good causes what with giving away thirty quid to charity and I have come up with a solution" God said.
"What is it?" asked the scouser.
"Well, here is your thirty quid now sod off!"

Q: What is the ideal weight of a Scouser?
A: About three pounds, including the urn. (might be the funniest joke I've ever heard)

At the end of a tiny deserted bar is a huge scouse bloke - 6ft 5in tall and 350lbs. He's having a few beers when a short, well dressed and obviously gay man walks in and sits beside him. After 3 or 4 beers, the queer fella finally plucks up the courage to say something to the big Liverpudlian.
Leaning over, he cups his huge ear: "Do you want a blow job?" he whispers.
At this, the massive Merseysider leaps up with fire in his eyes and smacks the man in the face. Knocking him off the stool, he proceeds to beat him all the way out of the bar. Finally he leaves him, badly bruised, in the car park and returns to his seat as if nothing had happened.
Amazed the bartender quickly brings over another beer. "I've never seen you react like that" he says. "Just what did he say to you?"
"I'm not sure" the big scouser replies. "Something about a job."

Q. How do you save a scouser from drowning?
A. Take your foot of his head.

[frenchie]

gerrard done that :cool: (let the door open)
rafa have a gang that steals his off form players houses :D
the gang members are said to be liverpool most prestigious legends
song , dundee , traoare , and sami lee
______________________________
btw here is some classy scouse jokes

Q: Define confusion
A: Fathers day in Liverpool

Q: Why are Liverpool supporters useless at making Pancakes?
A: Because they're all useless tossers

Q: Why wasn't Jesus born in Merseyside?
A: Because God couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.
:)
last one was well funny..nice one..lol

[abojodeh]

this one class :D

Gerard Houllier: "Our new Winger cost five million. I call him our wonder player"
Sir Alex Ferguson: "Why's that?"
Gerard Houllier: "Everytime he plays I wonder why I bothered to buy him!"

Q: What do you get if you cross a Monkey with a Liverpudlian?
A: Nothing. The monkeys are far too clever to screw a Liverpudlian. (so true)

Q: Why do Sumo wrestlers shave their legs?
A: So they ain't mistaken fur a Liverpudlian women.

*no offence to Jewish and Indian people its a joke :) *
One day a Jew, a Hindu, and a scouser all arrived at their hotel to find that there had been a mix-up with the bookings, and that there was only one room left for them to share. The manager explained that this room only had two beds, but that there was a barn at a neighbouring farm which the farmer, an old friend of his, would let one of them sleep in free of charge.

They complained a bit, but since there was nowhere else to go, the Jew graciously said he'd sleep inthe barn. The Hindu and the scouser were just settling down to sleep in their room, when there was a knock on the door. It was the Jew.

"I'm sorry," he said, "but there's a pig in that barn and because I'm Jewish I feel uncomfortable about sharing the barn with it." "No problem," said the Hindu. "I'll sleep out there instead." So off he went to the barn, leaving the scouser and the Jew to share the room.

They were just settling down to sleep, when there was a knock on the door. It was the Hindu. "I'm sorry," he said, "but there's a cow in that barn and because I'm a Hindu I feel uncomfortable about sharing the barn with it."

The scouser grudgingly agreed to give up his bed and stomped off to the barn, leaving the Jew and the Hindu to share the room. The Jew and the Hindu were just settling down to sleep, when there was a knock on the door.

It was the cow and the pig.



Q: What do Liverpool fans and mushrooms have in common?
A: They both have big heads and live in ****


A bartender was washing the glasses, when an elderly Irishman came in. With great difficulty, the Irishman hoisted his bad leg over the barstool, pulled himself up painfully, and asked for a sip of Irish whiskey.

The Irishman then looked towards the end of the bar and said, "Is that Jesus down there?"

The bartender nodded, so the Irishman told him to give Jesus an Irish whiskey, too.

The next patron to come in was an ailing Italian with a hunched back, who moved very slowly. He shuffled up to the barstool and asked for a glass of Chianti. He also looked down the bar and asked if it was Jesus sitting at the end of the bar. The bartender nodded, so the Italian said to give him a glass of Chianti, too.

The third patron to enter the bar was a Scouser, who swaggered into the bar and yelled, "Barkeep', gis us a lager dere la! Hey, is dat dat God's Boy down dere?" The barkeeper nodded, so the Scouser told him to give Jesus a lager, too.

As Jesus got up to leave, he walked over to the Irishman and touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!"

The Irishman felt the strength come back to his leg, so he got up and danced a jig out of the door. Jesus went up and touched the Italian and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!"

The Italian then felt his back straighten, so he raised his hands above his head and did a flip out of the door. Jesus then walked towards the Scouser, but
the Scouser jumped back and exclaimed, "Don't you ****** touch me! I'm on Disability!"

[Red Warrior]

Q. Why do pigeons fly upside down over Liverpool?
A. Because there's nothing worth ****ting on.

[abojodeh]

Q. Why do pigeons fly upside down over Liverpool?
A. Because there's nothing worth ****ting on.
piazza allready posted it :p

[frenchie]

hahaha.....lol...

[piazza]

this one class :D

Gerard Houllier: "Our new Winger cost five million. I call him our wonder player"
Sir Alex Ferguson: "Why's that?"
Gerard Houllier: "Everytime he plays I wonder why I bothered to buy him!"

Q: What do you get if you cross a Monkey with a Liverpudlian?
A: Nothing. The monkeys are far too clever to screw a Liverpudlian. (so true)

Q: Why do Sumo wrestlers shave their legs?
A: So they ain't mistaken fur a Liverpudlian women.

*no offence to Jewish and Indian people its a joke :) *
One day a Jew, a Hindu, and a scouser all arrived at their hotel to find that there had been a mix-up with the bookings, and that there was only one room left for them to share. The manager explained that this room only had two beds, but that there was a barn at a neighbouring farm which the farmer, an old friend of his, would let one of them sleep in free of charge.

They complained a bit, but since there was nowhere else to go, the Jew graciously said he'd sleep inthe barn. The Hindu and the scouser were just settling down to sleep in their room, when there was a knock on the door. It was the Jew.

"I'm sorry," he said, "but there's a pig in that barn and because I'm Jewish I feel uncomfortable about sharing the barn with it." "No problem," said the Hindu. "I'll sleep out there instead." So off he went to the barn, leaving the scouser and the Jew to share the room.

They were just settling down to sleep, when there was a knock on the door. It was the Hindu. "I'm sorry," he said, "but there's a cow in that barn and because I'm a Hindu I feel uncomfortable about sharing the barn with it."

The scouser grudgingly agreed to give up his bed and stomped off to the barn, leaving the Jew and the Hindu to share the room. The Jew and the Hindu were just settling down to sleep, when there was a knock on the door.

It was the cow and the pig.



Q: What do Liverpool fans and mushrooms have in common?
A: They both have big heads and live in ****


A bartender was washing the glasses, when an elderly Irishman came in. With great difficulty, the Irishman hoisted his bad leg over the barstool, pulled himself up painfully, and asked for a sip of Irish whiskey.

The Irishman then looked towards the end of the bar and said, "Is that Jesus down there?"

The bartender nodded, so the Irishman told him to give Jesus an Irish whiskey, too.

The next patron to come in was an ailing Italian with a hunched back, who moved very slowly. He shuffled up to the barstool and asked for a glass of Chianti. He also looked down the bar and asked if it was Jesus sitting at the end of the bar. The bartender nodded, so the Italian said to give him a glass of Chianti, too.

The third patron to enter the bar was a Scouser, who swaggered into the bar and yelled, "Barkeep', gis us a lager dere la! Hey, is dat dat God's Boy down dere?" The barkeeper nodded, so the Scouser told him to give Jesus a lager, too.

As Jesus got up to leave, he walked over to the Irishman and touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!"

The Irishman felt the strength come back to his leg, so he got up and danced a jig out of the door. Jesus went up and touched the Italian and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!"

The Italian then felt his back straighten, so he raised his hands above his head and did a flip out of the door. Jesus then walked towards the Scouser, but
the Scouser jumped back and exclaimed, "Don't you ****** touch me! I'm on Disability!"
lmfao:D

[Zense_United]

nice joke, keep it up man!

[piazza]

A Scouser, a Manc and a Rasta all in the maternity ward waiting for their
partners to give birth. The midwife comes out and tells them
congratulations, they're all fathers of beautiful healthy boys, however
unfortunately they've run out of the name tags, and the babies have been
mixed up, so if they could each go in and identify their sons from any
family resemblance etc. The Manc wants to go first, so in he goes and comes
out with a black baby The Rasta looks a bit confused, "excuse me", he said,
"but don't you think he's likely to be mine ?" "Probably", said the Manc,
"but one of them in there's a scouser, and I'm takin' no chances !!!!!"

[SolskjaertheLegend]

A Scouser, a Manc and a Rasta all in the maternity ward waiting for their
partners to give birth. The midwife comes out and tells them
congratulations, they're all fathers of beautiful healthy boys, however
unfortunately they've run out of the name tags, and the babies have been
mixed up, so if they could each go in and identify their sons from any
family resemblance etc. The Manc wants to go first, so in he goes and comes
out with a black baby The Rasta looks a bit confused, "excuse me", he said,
"but don't you think he's likely to be mine ?" "Probably", said the Manc,
"but one of them in there's a scouser, and I'm takin' no chances !!!!!"

haha good one :D

[piazza]

The headline and story in a local newspaper read:
Dirk Kuyt Attempts Suicide!
He put a gun in his mouth and shot. He missed...

[red lady]

hehehe..loved it..lol