Some Jokes.

[SALFORD RED]

2 dwarfs pull 2 girls & take them home, 1st dwarf cant get it up & 2 make things worse, all nite he can hear 2nd dwarf saying "here i come again, 1 2 3 uuh". next morning 1st dwarf says 2 2nd "how embarrasing, i couldn't even get an erection, 2nd dwarf says "u think thats bad, i couldnt even get on the bloody bed.




Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. The other one calls the emergency services.

Caller: My friend just collapsed and I think he's dead!!

Emergency: Sir, you need to calm down, OK, we will help you but I need you to be absolutley sure he is dead before I dispatch...can you check that for me, can you make sure he's dead?

Caller: Okay...

*silence*

*GUNSHOT*

Caller: Okay now what?




A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.
'I don't want to know,' the child said, bursting into tears. 'Promise me you won't tell me.'
Confused, the father asked what was wrong.
The boy sobbed, 'When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech.
At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech.
When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech.
If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really have sex, I'll have nothing left to live for.'

.

[Anderson's God]

The father and son one is good lol

[PrinceZane]

Haha. Good as usual sir :)

[Ajant]

hahaha. Excellent work :)

[dovorian]

All 3 of them are excellent as usual. lol

[SALFORD RED]

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour, surgical procedure. A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his ***** in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around.

Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir !!"

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly,

"Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely......

A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k ? "

[GeordieMancunian]

It was opening night at the Orpheum and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff.

As Claude took to the stage, he announced, "Unlike most stage hypnotists who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. Its been in my family for six generations."

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch...."

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

"****" said the hypnotist.

It took three weeks to clean up the theatre.

[carlyluvsunited]

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour, surgical procedure. A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his ***** in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around.

Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir !!"

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly,

"Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely......

A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k ? "http://i214.photobucket.com/albums/cc77/newlilu/emoticons/hiha.gif

[R_9-Ronaldo]

2 dwarfs pull 2 girls & take them home, 1st dwarf cant get it up & 2 make things worse, all nite he can hear 2nd dwarf saying "here i come again, 1 2 3 uuh". next morning 1st dwarf says 2 2nd "how embarrasing, i couldn't even get an erection, 2nd dwarf says "u think thats bad, i couldnt even get on the bloody bed.




Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. The other one calls the emergency services.

Caller: My friend just collapsed and I think he's dead!!

Emergency: Sir, you need to calm down, OK, we will help you but I need you to be absolutley sure he is dead before I dispatch...can you check that for me, can you make sure he's dead?

Caller: Okay...

*silence*

*GUNSHOT*

Caller: Okay now what?




A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.
'I don't want to know,' the child said, bursting into tears. 'Promise me you won't tell me.'
Confused, the father asked what was wrong.
The boy sobbed, 'When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech.
At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech.
When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech.
If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really have sex, I'll have nothing left to live for.'

.
The kid's got a point:D

[Ajant]

Haha some more good ones there lads. :)

[SALFORD RED]

This elderly man is sitting on his front porch, sipping some scotch and smoking a cigar. His young grandson approaches him, notices the scotch and asks:
"Grandpa, can i try that?"
The grandpa responds "Well, can your dick touch your ass?"
Confused, the young boy says "No grandpa, it can't" to which the elderly man says
"Well then sorry grandson, you're too young to try this"

The grandson then notices the cigar, and asks:
"Grandpa, can I try that?"
Again, the grandpa asks "Can your dick touch your ass?"
and, once again the grandson states "No grandpa, it can't"
So of course, the grandpa replies "Well then sorry grandson, you're too young."

Frustrated, the young boy goes inside the house, and returns a minute later with a plate of delicious, freshly baked cookies. The grandpa notices these and says:
"Those sure do look good, can I try one grandson?"
and to his surprise, the grandson replies "Well grandpa, can your dick touch your ass?"
Thinking he has his grandson beat, he states confidently "Yes grandson, it certainly can.............."

"Well then go **** yourself cause grandma said these cookies are mine"

[chiboygeorge]

LOl little gradson -- Mean person- lmao

[SALFORD RED]

A husband comes home to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room. "Where the hell do you think you're going?" he says. "I'm going to Las Vegas. You can earn $400 for a blow job there, and I figured that I might as well earn money for what I do to you free."

The husband thinks for a moment, goes upstairs, and comes back down, with his suitcase packed as well. "Where do you think you going?" the wife asks. "I'm coming with you...I want to see how you survive on $800 a year"

.

[SALFORD RED]

A wealthy husband comes back from Vegas, after losing everything he starts an arguement with the wife:

" hunny, we wouldn't need a chef if you learned how to cook"

to which she replied:

" fine and we wouldn't need a gardener if you knew how to ****"

.

[Ajant]

Hahaha :D

[The_Red_Prince]

whoa those jokes were great.i needed a laugh right now and did i just get one:) :) :) :

[SALFORD RED]

A women was pregnant with triplets.

One day she goes into this bank as it was being held up. She gets shot 3 times in her stomach, but luckily she lives.

She goes to the doctor who tells her her children will be all right, one day the bullets will come out.

So 13 years later, one triplet, a girl, runs out of the bathroom and says "MOM, MOM, I WAS GOING TO THE BATHROOM AND A BULLET CAME OUT!" So the mother tells her the story.

The next day the second daughter comes out and says the same thing, "MOM, I WAS GOING TO THE BATHOOM AND A BULLET CAME OUT!"

On the third day the son comes out and says "MOM, MOM!" she goes "Let me guess, you were going to the bathroom and a bullet came out?"

he replies "No, I was jerking off and I shot the dog!"
.

.................................................. .................................................. ...........................



A nun is on the side of a road, hailing a cab. a cabbie pulls over and the nun hops in the car. once inside the driver just stares back at the nun in the rear view mirror.

finally, the nun asks "wouldn't you like to know where i need to go?"

the cabbie responds "yes, but i have a question to ask you, but i'm afraid to do so because it's embarassing"

so the nun says "my son, when you've been a nun for as long as i've been, you meet some very different people and hear very different things. nothing you could say would embarrass me"

the cabbie ponders this for a second, then replies "well, alright. you see, i've always had this unusual fantasy....about receiving oral sex from a nun...."

seemingly unaffected by his question, the nun states "well my son, i could help you fulfill that fantasy provided you meet two stipulations. firstly, you must be single. secondly, you must be catholic."

"WOW!" exclaims the cabbie "this is great, i'm both single and catholic!"

so the nun tells him to pull into a back alley, remove his pants, and she proceeds to satisfy his fantasy. once finished, they climb back into the cab where the cabbie begins to sob uncontrollably.

"what's wrong?" asked the nun

"forgive me sister, for i have lied. i'm not single or catholic, i'm married and jewish"

the nun promptly replies...

"thats ok, we all lie sometimes. my real name is gary, i'm on my way to a halloween party"

.

[keane7]

the NUN was good!!!!!!... hahahah

[Ajant]

Hahahahahah

Hope you don't me adding one mate...


A wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the Halloween party alone.

He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she
was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without pain and as it was still early, decided go to the party.

As her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him. So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice "chick" he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.

His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband.

After more drinks he finally whispered a little proposition in her ear
and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and made passionate love in the back seat.

Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make up for his outrageous behaviour.

She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what
kind of time he had. "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"

He replied, I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got
there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening." You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all night!" she said with unashamed sarcasm. To which the husband replied, "Actually, I gave my costume to your brother, apparently he had the time of his life."

[SALFORD RED]

:eek: :D LMAO, nice one Ajant. Keep adding mate, i only started the thread, it's not just for me. Be good to have the longest joke thread on a United forum.
So anyone else...Add away.



John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm.
The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped. John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door.. only to realise there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on!!

The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and turned the wheel.
John, paralysed with terror, watched as the hand repeatedly came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.

Shortly thereafter John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road so, gathering strength, he jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.

A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realised he was crying and....wasn't drunk.
Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath.
Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other...

"Look Paddy.....there's that f*king idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it!!!!"

.

[Ajant]

HAHAH made me LOL at work :P

[carlyluvsunited]

HAHAH made me LOL at work :PYou 'lol' at work :eek:

You mad little thing you :p

[Red Devil]

What do you give a blonde who has everything?







Penicillin





What do you call an intelligent blonde?







Golden Labrador!

[Keano4taoiseach]

What do you call a person who makes 'blonde' jokes...????





insecure.....









lmao...

[SALFORD RED]

A man walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist for a pack of condoms. Paying for them, he bursts into laughter and walks out of the store. The next day he comes in again, again buys condoms, and again walks out laughing. Thinking this is somewhat strange, the pharmacist asks his assistant to follow the man if he comes back. Sure enough, the man comes in the next day and walks out laughing. This time the assistant goes after him, returning 20 minutes later.

"So did you follow him?" asks the pharmacist.

"Yup."

"Where did he go?"

"Your house."


.................................................. .................................................. ........................



Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly.

The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Cooter and Gomer.

The three men had always done everything together.

Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Cooter said, "Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.

The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, "Nope, it ain't Bubba."

The mortician thought this was rather strange. So he brought Gomer in to confirm the identity of the body.

Gomer looked at the body and said, "Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over."

The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, "No, it ain't Bubba."

The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"

Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two *******s."

"What? He had two *******s?" asked the mortician.

"Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say, "There's Bubba with them two *******s."

.

[Ajant]

That first one was quality Hahah. The second was good also :P

[Keano4taoiseach]

first one is so true....

[Ajant]

An English man and an Irish man are driving head on , at night, on a twisty, dark road. Both are driving too fast for the conditions and collide on a sharp bend in the road. To the amazement of both, they are unscathed, though their cars are both destroyed. In celebration of their luck, both agree to put aside their dislike for the other from that moment on. At this point, the Englishman goes to the boot and fetches a 12 year old bottle of whisky. He hands the bottle to the Irish man, whom exclaims,'' may the Irish and the English live together forever, in peace, and harmony.'' The Irish man then tips the bottle and gulps half of the bottle down. Still flabbergasted over the whole thing, he goes to hand the bottle to the Englishman, whom replies: '' no thanks, I'll just wait till the Police get here!''

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

At an auction in Manchester a wealthy American announced that he had lost his wallet containing £10,000 and would give a reward of £100 to the person who found it.
From the back of the hall a Scottish voice shouted, "I'll give £150!"

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

An English teacher wrote these words on the whiteboard: "woman without her man is nothing". The teacher then asked the students to punctuate the words correctly.

The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing."

The women wrote: "Woman! Without her, man is nothing."

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

and a lame one...


1st Eskimo: Where did your mother come from?

2nd Eskimo: Alaska

1st Eskimo: Don't bother, I'll ask her myself!

[SALFORD RED]

LMAO Ajant, finish my shift of with belly ache , 1st one is the best.

A couple to make you enjoy work......

What is the difference between your wages and your ***** ?

Your partner will always blow your wages...


.................................................. .................................................. ....


A young man walks up and sits down at the bar.

"What can I get you?" the bartender inquires.

"I want 6 shots of Vodka," responded the young man.

"6 shots?!? Are you celebrating something?"

"Yeah, my first blowjob."

"Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house."


"Very kind of you barman. But if 6 shots won't get rid of the taste, nothing
will."

.................................................. .................................................. .....

And a lame one...


1st man....my wife is going to the West Indies

2nd man...Jamaica ?

1st man....No, she wanted to go.

.

[Ajant]

Hahah. Did you make that last one up? :P

I think I'd heard the other two before, but still are funny...especially the second...haha

[Keano4taoiseach]

Although I don't approve being Irish.....although it's probably what would happen....


That 1rst joke is the funniest I have heard in a very long time....lmao...

Please keep them coming....

[SALFORD RED]

One day a construction worker left the job a little early, and when he got home he found his wife in bed with another man.
Purple with rage, he hauled the man down the stairs and into the garage where he proceeded to secure his dick in a vice. Breaking off the handle so it could not be undone.
Utterly terrified, the man screamed, "Stop, stop! you're not going to cut it off, are you? ARE YOU?"
"Nope," replied the construction worker, "You are...I'm going to set the garage on fire."

.

[Keano4taoiseach]

One day a construction worker left the job a little early, and when he got home he found his wife in bed with another man.
Purple with rage, he hauled the man down the stairs and into the garage where he proceeded to secure his dick in a vice. Breaking off the handle so it could not be undone.
Utterly terrified, the man screamed, "Stop, stop! you're not going to cut it off, are you? ARE YOU?"
"Nope," replied the construction worker, "You are...I'm going to set the garage on fire."

.







lol......Although personally....I would have just hopped into the bed and enjoyed and enjoyed the day.....:D

[SALFORD RED]

Sky has just won the rights to screen the first World Origami Championships from Tokyo.



Unfortunately, it's only available on paper view.

.

[carlyluvsunited]

Oh dear me Sal :p

[Ajant]

Hhahaa... lovin it.

[SALFORD RED]

Why do Liverpool goalkeepers never catch the ball?

It's Scouse tradition never to touch something for long enough to leave fingerprints.

.................................................. .................................................. ...........


this old bloke goes into an old folks home- because he keeps falling over , and his son can't keep his eye on him all the time, on his first day in the home a female nurse comes along to give him a wash , and she notices he has a slight erection , and with that she gives him a blow job- he gets straight on the phone to his son, telling him that he just got a BJ- and what a wonderful place it was. the following day he's walking down a corridor , and he falls over-suddenly from behind a male nurse gives him one up the arse , he gets straight on the phone to his son again and says "get me out of here, a male nurse just banged me up the arse", his son says "look dad, so you took one up the arse, you got a blow job yesterday-you have to take the rough with the smooth", and the old bloke says " **** off, i get a hard on 3 times a year , but i fall over 3 times a bloody day"

.

[Ajant]

haha the second one I had to read twice...and is better than the first :P

[SALFORD RED]

A drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night. He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.
"What's that big brass gong?" one of the guests asked.
"It's not a gong. It's a talking clock," the drunk replied.
"A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend.
"Yup," replied the drunk.
"How' s it work?" the friend asked, squinting at it.
"Watch," the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound, and stepped back. The three stood looking at one another for a moment.
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed,

"Shut the hell up you *******, it's three-fifteen in the morning!"

.

[SALFORD RED]

.................................................. .................................................. ..

Tuesdays Jokes..

After speaking to the passengers, The pilot forgets to turn off the intercom. He says to the Co-pilot "I'm gonna have a ****, then shag the arse off that new air hostess."
The air hostess runs up the aisle to warn the pilot that the intercom is still on, but she trips and falls over.
"No need to rush love," says an old lady, "He's having a **** first!"


.................................................. .................................................. ................

Did you hear about the look-a-like competition in China?

Everybody won.

.................................................. .................................................. ....................

One day in the future, OJ Simpson has a heart attack and dies. He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.
I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple of folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."
OJ thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first room.
In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. Ted kept diving in, and surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over, and over he dove in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in hell. "No," OJ said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and I don't think I could do that all day long."
The devil led him to the door of the next room. In it was Al Gore with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. "No, this is no good; I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented OJ.
The devil opened a third door. Through it, OJ saw Bill Clinton, lying on the bed, his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. OJ looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah man, I can handle this." The devil smiled and said . . .

"OK, Monica, you're free to go."




Can i just say if any of my jokes offend anyone just PM me and i will remove straight away. .

.

[Ajant]

Loved the last two!!!

[christianity ronaldo]

most of them were class

[SALFORD RED]

On their first date, a guy drove his girlfriend to a quiet country lane and began reaching under her skirt.
"Get off" she said, pushing his hand away. "I'm a virgin and thats how I intent to stay for the time being."
"How about a blow job?" he inquired hopefully.
"No way. I'm not putting that thing in my mouth."
"Well how about a hand job?"
"I've never done that before, what do I have to do?"
"It's simple," he explained. "Remember when you were a kid and you used to shake up a coke bottle and spray your little brother with it? Well it's just like that."
So she pulled out his dick and started shaking it. A few seconds later his head flopped back on the headrest, his eyes closed, snot started to run out of his nose, wax blew out of his ears, and he suddenly screamed in pain.
"What's wrong?" she cried.
"Take your thumb off the end!"

.................................................. .................................................. .............


A young married couple were sitting in the cinema. After a while the woman said to her husband, "The man next to me is masturbating."
"Ignore him honey," replied the man. "Come on we'll move seats."


"I can't" she said, "He's using my hand."

.................................................. .................................................. .........


I myself have fallen victim to the latest scam in Manchester while shopping. This happened in the high road and it could happen to you.

Here's how the scam works:

Two good looking 18 year old women come to your car as you are leaving the shops while your are placing your packages in the front footwell of your car. One starts wiping your windshield with a rag and Windolene while the other comes to your window saying "Hi" while bending over with her breasts almost coming out of her blouse.
It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say "No" and beg you for a ride to the Trafford Centre.

You agree and tell them to sit in the back seat. On the way, they start having sex with each other in the back seat.

Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and performs oral sex on you, while the other one steals your wallet.



I fell for this scam last Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday, but I couldn't find them Saturday or Sunday.

.................................................. .................................................. ............................


Please note that with the arrival of the new "Drive-through" cash point machines in the UK, customers will be able to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. To enable users to use this new facility the following procedures have been drawn up.

Please read the procedure that applies to your own circumstances (i.e. MALE or FEMALE) and remember them for when you use the machine for the first time.

Male Procedure

1 Drive up to the cash machine.
2 Wind down your car window.
3 Insert card into machine and enter PIN
4 Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5 Remove card and receipt
6 Drive off


Female Procedure

1 Drive up to cash machine
2 Reverse back the required amount to align car window to machine
3 Re-start the stalled engine
4 wind down the window
5 Find handbag, remove all contents on the passenger seat to locate card
6 Locate make-up bag and check make-up in rear view mirror
7 Attempt to insert card into machine
8 Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car
9 Insert card
10 Re-insert card the right way up
11 Re-enter handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page
12 Enter PIN
13 Press cancel and enter correct PIN
14 Enter amount of cash required
15 Re-check make up in rear view mirror
16 Retrieve cash and receipt
17 Empty handbag again to locate purse and place cash inside
18 Place receipt in back of cheque book
19 Check eyelashes in mirror
20 Drive forwards 2 metres
21 Reverse back to cash machine
22 Retrieve card
23 Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided
24 Restart stalled engine and pull off
25 Drive for 3 to 4 miles
26 Release hand brake

.

[Ajant]

Haha, heard the last one before - class.

[SALFORD RED]

K4 goes in to the doctors and says "I think im going blind"
The doctor replies" You will need to stop *******"
K4 says "Is that why i'm goin blind" ?

The doctor says "No your upsetting the other patients in the waiting room".

.................................................. .................................................. .......................


I came home last week and said to the Mrs Sal
"I've heard the milkman has slept with every woman in this street but one!"
to which Mrs Sal replied.........


"God I bet it's that stuck up bitch from number 20"!!!!



.................................................. .................................................. ...............

TEACHER: K4,why is your cat at school today?
K4 :(crying)...i heard the postman telling mummy "when the kids go to school today i'm going to eat your *****"

.................................................. .................................................. ................


A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on the motorway. Nothing is moving.
Suddenly a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down his window and asks, 'What's going on?'

Terrorists have kidnapped Steve McLaren, Terry Venables, and Brian Barwick. They're asking for a £5 million ransom, otherwise they're going to douse them with petrol and set them on fire. We're going from car to car, taking up a collection.'

The driver asks, 'How much is everyone giving, on average?' . . . . .

The man replies...'About a gallon each.'

.

[Jazz 16]

Lmao Sal, some crackers in there hee hee hee

[Keano4taoiseach]

K4 goes in to the doctors and says "I think im going blind"
The doctor replies" You will need to stop *******"
K4 says "Is that why i'm goin blind" ?

The doctor says "No your upsetting the other patients in the waiting room".

.................................................. .................................................. ...............
TEACHER: K4,why is your cat at school today?
K4 :(crying)...i heard the postman telling mummy "when the kids go to school today i'm going to eat your *****"

.................................................. .................................................. ................




LMAO.......I'm flattered SAL.....but in the case of the second one......i can only live in hope....:o

[Keano4taoiseach]

SAL goes to the doctor and admits that he has a sexual problem...
'I just can't get it up for Mrs SAL any more,' he says.
'Don't worry SAL,’ says the doctor. ‘Bring your wife in and I’ll see what I can do.’
……The couple come in the next day and the doctor asks Mrs SAL to remove her clothes. Then he asks her to turn around and jump up and down. He turns to SAL........’You’re fine,’ he says. ‘She didn’t give me an erection either.’

[Ajant]

A woman asks her husband, "Would you like some bacon and eggs? A slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit and coffee?"



He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."


At lunchtime she asked him if he would like something."A bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?"


He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food."


Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?"


He declines again. "No," he says, "it's got to be the Viagra . . . I'm still not hungry."


Well," she says, "Would you mind letting me up? I'm starving."

[SALFORD RED]

LMAO, AJ , good one, i like that.

.

[SALFORD RED]

50 Things To Do Before You Die.




I would have thought the obvious first one was "Shout For Help".


.................................................. .................................................. ..............................



My wife, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me one of those mood rings so that she could monitor my moods.
We discovered that, when I am in a good mood, it turns green , when I am in a horny mood , it turns blue and when i'm in a bad mood.........


........it leaves a big red mark on her forehead.



.................................................. .................................................. .....................



Zebo, a half blind 5 year old orphan has to ride 7 miles a day to school with only one leg on a bicycle with buckled wheels, no seat and no brakes.
Please give just a small donation of 2 pounds ...................


and we will send you the video it's ****ing hillarious!!!

(PM if offended, will delete ).

.................................................. .................................................. ....................


A woman goes into her local music store looking for an old record; behind the counter is small young boy.

She says, "Excuse me sonny, but do you have Jingle bells on 7 inch?"

He says, "No, but I've got dangling balls on a 9 inch."

"Thats not a record is it?"

"It is for a 10 year old."


.

[carlyluvsunited]

Nice Sal......http://i89.photobucket.com/albums/k211/small_carly/lmao.gif

Nice addition to the bottom of the orphan joke too ;)

[Keano4taoiseach]

http://i89.photobucket.com/albums/k211/small_carly/lmao.gif

nice SAL.........

always great jokes from you, keep em coming........

[PrinceZane]

Salad Fred is my hero :D

[PrinceZane]

Sky has just won the rights to screen the first World Origami Championships from Tokyo.

Unfortunately, it's only available on paper view.

.

I actually lol'd at this one. :D

[SALFORD RED]

Whoooopps ! I had forgot all about keeping this thread going untill i got a PM saying " Your jokes have nearly got me sacked for laughing, but keep posting more because i'm looking for a new job" .......( yes you know who you are :p )...

So i hope you've been lucky to find a new job because here's some more. :D


What's the difference between a fox and a dog ?
About 5 pints of beer.


How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry It!


What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.


What are the three fastest means of communication?
1) Internet
2) Telephone
3) Telawoman


How are fat girls and mopeds alike?
They're both fun to ride until your friends find out.


How do you p*ss off a female archaeologist??
Give her a used tampon and ask her what period it comes from.


How is a woman like a condom?
Both of them spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.


What should you give a woman who has everything?
A course of Anti-Biotics.


Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?
Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.


How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.


Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?
Because they don't have balls to scratch.


Why do women fake orgasms ?
Because they think men care.


If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have
you done wrong?
Made her chain too long


How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.


Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.


How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me...'


How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.


Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.


If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.


What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told


I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.


Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by
90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.


Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.


Women will never be equal to men...
until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and
still think they are sexy.


In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
.

[Toybos]

Why do women fake orgasms ?
Because they think men care.

best one by far lmao

[akash_reds]

great jokes.........

[dovorian]

All of them.........Brillient....keep them coming lol

[PrinceZane]

How do you p*ss off a female archaeologist??
Give her a used tampon and ask her what period it comes from.

Funny story here. A friend and I tried this in college and laughed at her facial reaction to the question. She started asking questions and we thought she was just going along so we went with it. Long story short, it was his sister's from the previous week :D

[mufcjoe]

A puppet man is doing a show in public, and says a load of blonde jokes. A blonde woman in the audience decides to take a stand, getting up and shouting "**** off with all these blonde jokes" to which the man replied

"Sorry, it's just a few jokes, I'll stop them then, if you like"

The blonde woman replied...














"I aint talking to you, I am speaking to the ******* on your hand!!!"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The man who set a record of spending 6 days in a box has finally realised that his record has been beaten.


Michael Owen spent the last 3 years doing **** all in the box!!!

[Red_Devil28]

That last one was funny lol

[nabcake]

During the Great Depression, there was a man who walked into a bar one day. He went up to the bartender and said, "Bartender, I'd like to buy the house a round of drinks."

The bartender said, "That's fine, but we're in the middle of the Depression, so I'll need to see some money first."

The guy pulled out a huge wad of bills and set them on the bar. The bartender can't believe what he's seeing. "Where did you get all that money?" asked the bartender.

"I'm a professional gambler," replied the man.

The bartender said, "There's no such thing! I mean, your odds are fifty-fifty at best, right?"

"Well, I only bet on sure things," said the guy.

"Like what?" asked the bartender.

"Well, for example, I'll bet you fifty dollars that I can bite my right eye," he said.

The bartender thought about it. "Okay," he said.

So, the guy pulled out his false right eye and bit it. "Aw, you screwed me," said the bartender, and paid the guy his $50.

"I'll give you another chance. I'll bet you another fifty dollars that I can bite my left eye," said the stranger.

The bartender thought again and said, "Well, I know you're not blind, I mean, I watched you walk in here. I'll take that bet." So, the guy pulled out his false teeth and bit his left eye.

"Aw, you screwed me again!" protested the bartender.

"That's how I win so much money, bartender. I'll just take a bottle of your best scotch in lieu of the fifty dollars," said the man.

With that, the guy went to the back room and spent the better part of the night playing cards with some of the locals. After many hours of drinking and card playing, he stumbled up to the bar. Drunk as a skunk, he said, "Bartender, I'll give you one last chance. I'll bet you five hundred dollars that I can stand on this bar on one foot and **** into that whiskey bottle on that shelf behind you without spilling a drop."

The bartender once again pondered the bet. The guy couldn't even stand up straight on two feet, much less one. "Okay, you're on," he said.

The guy climbed up on the bar, stood on one leg, and began ****ing all over the place. He hit the bar, the bartender, himself, but not a drop made it into the whiskey bottle.

The bartender was ecstatic. Laughing, the bartender said, "Hey pal, you owe me five hundred dollars!"

The guy climbed down off the bar and said, "That's okay. I just bet each of the guys in the card room a thousand bucks each that I could **** all over you and the bar and still make you laugh!"


---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


The sky was dark,
The moon was high,
All alone just she and I.

Her hair was soft,
Her eyes were blue,
I knew just what
She wanted to do.

Her skin so soft,
Her legs so fine.
I ran my fingers
Down her spine.

I didn't know how
But I tried my best.
I started by placing
My hands on her breast.

I remember my fear,
My fast beating heart.
But slowly she spread
Her legs apart.

And when I did it,
I felt no shame.
All at once
The white stuff came.

At last it's finished.
It's all over now.
My first time ever,
At milking a cow.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
There were these twins, Jim and John. Jim was the owner of an old dilapidated boat. It just so happened that John's wife died the same day Jim's boat sank.

A few days later, a kindly old woman saw Jim and mistaking him for John said "I'm sorry to hear about your loss. You must feel terrible."

Jim, thinking she was talking about his boat said "Fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottoms was all shriveled up and she smelled like an old dead fish. She was always losing her water, she had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, the hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy.

I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to these four guys looking for a good time. I warned them she wasn't very good, but they wanted to use her anyhow. The fools all tried to get in her at once and she split right up the middle"

The old woman fainted.

[Harvo]

Lmfao the first and last one were good :D

[Keano!]

I love this thread! Kep 'em coming! :D

[PrinceZane]

Chants, "We want more! We want more!"

[Keano4taoiseach]

Lmfao the first and last one were good :D

Seconded :D

[SALFORD RED]

Nabcake ROFLMAO, how have i missed your jokes till today ?:eek:
Get posting more up mate,

Going to be hard to beat those but here goes ...


Husband and wife are shopping in a supermarket when the man picks up a crate of Stella Beers and sticks them into the trolley.

"What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.

"They're on offer, only £10 for 24 cans', he says.


"Put them back. We can't afford it,' says the wife and they carry on
shopping...

A few aisles later the woman picks up a £20 jar of face cream and sticks it into the trolley.



'What do you think you're doing?' asks the man.


'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' she says.


The man replies...


SO DOES 24 CANS OF STELLA AND IT'S HALF THE BLOODY PRICE'
.

[Keano4taoiseach]

LMAO SAL, so true ;)

[SALFORD RED]

A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach. Luckily the babies were OK. The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in because it was too risky to operate. She gave birth to two healthy daughters and a healthy son.

All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in tears.

'What's wrong?' asked the mother.

'I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out,' replied the daughter. The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16 years ago.

About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears. 'Mom, I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out. Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years ago.

A week later her son walked into the room in tears. 'Its okay' said the Mom, 'I know what happened you were taking a tinkle and a bullet came out.'

'No,' said the boy, 'I was playing with myself and I shot the dog.'
.

[reddwarf]

LMFAO. Omg, Sal that's hilarious. I just burst out laughing at work.

Getting a few funny looks now...