Ignatius jokes!!!

[Ignatius]

My Own Jokes Thread.


A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:

Officer: May I see your driver's license?

Driver: I don't have one. It was revoked when I got my 5th DWI.

Officer: May I see the registration for this vehicle?

Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.

Officer: The car is stolen?

Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the registration in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?

Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?

Driver: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his Captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the Captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?

Driver: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.

Captain: Whose car is this?

Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration. The driver owned the car.

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?

Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.

Driver: No problem. Trunk is opened; no body.

Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.

Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the lying s.o.b. told you I was speeding, too!

[akash_reds]

lmao!!!!!!!!

[cjl_safcfan]

haha...not bad, not bad at all

[Ignatius]

I was trying to get my seventh-grade history class to understand how the Indians must have felt when they first encountered the Spanish explorers.

"How would you feel," I asked, "if someone showed up on your doorstep who looked very different, spoke a strange language and wore unusual clothes? Wouldn't you be a bit scared?"

"Nah," one boy answered, "I'd just figure it was my sister's date."

[haggler]

indians encountered spanish ? when ?

are you refering to native americans by any chance ?

by the lord harry this is not a seventies working mans club you know !!!!!

p.c terms or risk offending running water when he next logs in .

[-zuco-]

You do make me laugh Hags :D

Sometimes I wonder what goes on inside that sick and twisted
mind of yours, then I think it's better that I don't know :o

[Ignatius]

Zuco, who made you're Signature

[-zuco-]

safcfan_cjl made it. I don't know how to do them :o

[Ignatius]

safcfan_cjl made it. I don't know how to do them :o
It's not his best work :p

[Ignatius]

haha...not bad, not bad at all
Thanks :p

[haggler]

It's not his best work :pnow that is far better than the original attempt at humour . if i may critique your work i would say stick to improvised retorts and can the corny gags :eek:

[-zuco-]

It's not his best work :p

If you can do better then make me a sig and PM it to me :p

[Ignatius]

If you can do better then make me a sig and PM it to me :p
I'll try :p

But his teaching me new stuff in photoshop and his other work are truly amazing

What player do you want on it?

[Jazz 16]

lol good joke.............for a Swede :-P

[The_Red_Prince]

Lmao!!! Thats one for the record books

[Keano!]

Heard before..........very good! ;)

[Keano4taoiseach]

Excellent, bloody excellent :D

[Ignatius]

Three tortoises, Mick, Alan and Les, decide to go on a picnic. So Mick packs the picnic basket with beer and sandwiches. The trouble is the picnic site is ten miles away so it takes them ten days to get there.

When they get there Mick unpacks the food and beer. "Ok Les Give me the bottle opener."

"I didn't bring it," says Les. "I thought you packed it."

Mick gets worried, He turns to Alan, "Did you bring the bottle opener??"

Naturally Alan didn't bring it. So they're stuck ten miles from Home without a bottle opener. Mick and Alan beg Les to go back for It, but he refuses as he says they will eat all the sandwiches.

After two hours, and after they have sworn on their tortoise Lives that they will not eat the sandwiches, he finally agrees. So Les sets off down the road at a steady pace.

Twenty days pass and he still isn't back and Mick and Alan are starving, but a promise is a promise.

Another five days and he still isn't back, but a promise is a promise. Finally they can't take it any longer so they take out a Sandwich each, and just as they are about to eat it, Les pops up from behind a rock and shouts........

"I KNEW IT!......I'M NOT GOING!"

[Keano!]

lol.......tortoises that can talk! :p

good!

[Ignatius]

lol.......tortoises that can talk! :p

good!
LMAO, that wasn't the joke :D

[Keano!]

LMAO, that wasn't the joke :D


L-M-A-O-!

:rolleyes:.......

I know! :p ........I was trying to be funny! :o.....

[Ignatius]

L-M-A-O-!

:rolleyes:.......

I know! :p ........I was trying to be funny! :o.....
Mission accomplished!

[SolskjaertheLegend]

:D

lol nice one

[Ignatius]

True story, I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else. One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.

"The moral of this story is:"

"Always keep your condoms in your car."

[Toybos]

lmao last one was very good

[Ignatius]

About a month ago, a man in Amsterdam felt that he needed to confess, so he went to his priest, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. During WWII I hid a refugee in my attic."

"Well," answered the priest, "that's not a sin."'

"But I made him agree to pay me 200 Euros for every week he stayed."

"I admit that wasn't good, but you did it for a good cause."

"Oh, thank you, Father; that eases my mind." He paused for a moment and then said, "I have one more question..."

"What is that, my son?"

"Do I have to tell him the war is over?"

[Keano4taoiseach]

LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Best I've seen on this forum :D:D:D

[Ignatius]

LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Best I've seen on this forum :D:D:D
Thanks ;)

[Ignatius]

There is a blonde, a redhead and a brunette on the stairway to heaven.

God says, "There are 3,000 steps and i'll tell you a joke on each 1,000th step you reach. If you laugh you go to hell."

So they start walking and reach to the first 1,000th step. God tells a joke, the brunette laughs and goes to hell.

Then on the 2,000th step God tells a joke, the redhead laughs and goes to hell.

On the 3,000th step God tells a joke, the blonde doesn't laugh and proceeds to the gate.

Suddenly, she bursts out laughing. God asks, "what are you laughing about?", so she replies, "i just got the first joke!".

[Ignatius]

A man wakes up one morning and there's a gorilla on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Gorilla Removers." He calls the number, and the gorilla remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.

The gorilla remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull. "What are you going to do," the homeowner asks? "I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, and then I'm going to go up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with this baseball bat. When the gorilla falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his nuts and not let go. The gorilla will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van." He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.

"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner. "If the gorilla knocks ME off the roof, shoot the dog!