Scouse Jokes

[red devil jeff]

Liverpools newest big-name signing, a Bosnian international, has just scored on his debut for the club and immediately after the match phones his Mum:
Bosnian-Scouser: Hello Mum.
Mum: Hello son, how was your debut?
B-S: Well it went brilliantly. I scored in front of the Kop and we only lost 3-1.
Mum: That's wonderful. But I'm afraid that things here at home aren't so good.
B-S: Why, what's happened?
Mum: Well, this morning our car was set ablaze by a masked mob. They then broke into our house with baseball bats and battered your brother. They shot your father in the kneecaps, so he can't walk anymore, and then raped your sister before moving on to the dog.
B-S: That's terrible....
Mum: I know. Why couldn't you have left us in Bosnia instead of bringing us to Liverpool with you?:D


Saint Peter was manning the Pearly Gates when forty scousers showed up. Never having seen anyone from Liverpool at heaven's door, Saint Peter said he would have to check with God. After hearing the news, God instructed him to admit the ten most virtuous from the group.
A few minutes later, Saint Peter returned to God breathless and said, "They're gone."
"What? All of the Scousers are gone?" asked God.
"No" replied Saint Peter "The Pearly Gates!":D


One day a scouser dies so before he goes to heaven he arrives at the gates of St Peters.
"Age?" Peter asks.
"24" the little scouser replied.
"Where did you live?"
"Well, um, Liverpool"
"Were you blue or were you red" asked St. Peter.
"Red till I died" replied the scouser.
"Sorry no scousers allowed into heaven they are all robbing little ****s!"
"But but I have done good things."
"Like what?"
"Well, last week I gave a tenner to the homeless the week before that I gave a tenner to oxfam and the day I died I gave a tenner to the heart foundation!"
"Well I will see what I can do I will go and explain the situation to God."
After half an hour out comes St. Peter followed by god who is wearing a united shirt.
"Right I heard what you have done with all the good causes what with giving away thirty quid to charity and I have come up with a solution" God said.
"What is it?" asked the scouser.
"Well, here is your thirty quid now **** off!":D

[haggler]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Ferrari F1 team fired their entire pit crew yesterday.
This announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the
British government's 'Work for your Dole' scheme and employ some
Liverpudlian youngsters.

The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on
how unemployed youths from Toxteth were able to remove a set of wheels
in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's
existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with millions of pounds
worth of high tech equipment.

It was thought to be an excellent, bold move by the Ferrari management
team as most races are won and lost in the pits, giving Ferrari an
advantage over every other team.

However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for! At the crew's first
practice session, not only was the scouse pit crew able to change all
four wheels in under 6 seconds but, within 12 seconds, they had
re-sprayed, re-badged and sold the car to the Mclaren team for 8 cases
of Stella, a bag of weed and some photos of Coulthard's bird in the
shower.

[Jodz]

That's hilarious. :D

Thanks for sharing mate.

[akash_reds]

lmao @ hagglers joke..

[Forever_United]

theres a mancunian a scouser and an irishman sitting round a camp-fire, suddenly a figure appears from the bushes.
"wow, its jesus!" cried the irishman.
"i don't belive it" said the manc.

jesus walked up to the camp fire and sat down.

"i am here heal everyone of you from anything that may be troubling you right now" jesus said

"great, my backs playing up a bit" says the irishman.

jesus cast a hand over the irishman and within seconds his bad back has completley healed.

"wow thanks, my 13yr old back problem is gone !!" the irishman said.

"i've had a dodgy knee from when i used to play football" the manc says.

jesus again casts his hand and heals his knee.

"great! its like a new knee !" the manc said.

"and what would u desire" jesus said to the scouser.

the scouser looked at jesus with a horrified expression. he gets up and runs away as fast as he can

"whats wrong with him ?" jesus asked the manc

"he's on disability benefit" the manc replied :D:D:D

[Keano4taoiseach]

LMAO lads :D

[SALFORD RED]

In a recent survey of scouse males
85% admitted having sex in the showers.














The other 15% said they'd never been in prison.
.

[Keano4taoiseach]

In a recent survey of scouse males
85% admitted having sex in the showers.














The other 15% said they'd never been in prison.
.
I don't know whether to LOL or shake my head :D

[joviadca]

You're locked in a room with a Lion ,a Tiger and a Liverpool fan.
You have a gun but only 2 bullets what do you do?


















Shoot the liverpool fan twice

[haggler]

no no no far too caring . shoot the lock off with one bullett shoot the scouser with the other then get out relock door and watch while the puddy tats finish him off

[jenko1976]

thats a good 1

[joviadca]

no no no far too caring . shoot the lock off with one bullett shoot the scouser with the other then get out relock door and watch while the puddy tats finish him off

Now I know I have found the right place for me , I GOT BANNED FOR TWO WEEKS :D on another forum for telling that same joke. Its good to be home :)

[Devilzz91]

Bet you it was a Liverpool forum you told it on.. haha!

[joviadca]

Bet you it was a Liverpool forum you told it on.. haha!

No on man utd thread in a open soccer forum , but found out later that one of the mods was liverpool fan HAHA

[reddwarf]

Now I know I have found the right place for me , I GOT BANNED FOR TWO WEEKS :D on another forum for telling that same joke. Its good to be home :)

Jokes section is my patrol :cool:

As long as you don't swear you can be as mean to the Scousers as you like :D

Good joke btw!

[cjl_safcfan]

lol dwarfy, can i be mean to newcastle fans and post any texts i get about them up?

[reddwarf]

lol dwarfy, can i be mean to newcastle fans and post any texts i get about them up?

Yep, I don't like Newcastle either :D

[cjl_safcfan]

great :D... they will be out soon

[joviadca]

What do female liverpool fans use as protection during sex ?





THE BUS SHELTER !
.................................................. ........................................

And how do you know she reached that special moment ?




She drops her bag of chips !
.................................................. ......................................

What do you call a 26 year old female liverpool fan ?




Granny !

[thatboyronaldo7]

Haha! Great joke's peoples!

[rooneytunes]

Joke deleted due to swearing.

-zuco-

[-zuco-]

Second warning Rooneytunes.
Next step is a one day ban.

No swearing!

[rooneytunes]

You show me where i was swearing

[-zuco-]

I've deleted it. If I repeat it I'll have to give myself a warning :rolleyes:

[Dynamite]

Right not posted any in here yet so here is a few if it's ok regarding any rules


1. Why did Rafa go to Argos?
It's the only place he could pick up Premier Points.

2. An Irishman a Welshman & a Scouser are all in a bar drinking & having a good time, they look across the room they see Jesus standing by the bar waiting to be served!!
All three go rushing over to Jesus & insist they buy him a drink!
The Scotsman the Irishman & the Scouser all buy him a pint each & leave Jesus to enjoy the beer!!
An hour or so later Jesus stands up after finishing the drinks & makes his way over to the 3 men to say thanks for the drinks!!

He approaches the Irishman & says "thanks for the drink my son" & shakes his hand, the Irishman jumps up with joy and says "until you shook my hand i had a curved spine, i can now stand straight & i'm no longer in pain, i'm saved thank you Jesus"

Jesus approaches the Welshman & thanks him for the drink, Jesus shakes the Welshmans hand! Jesus again uses his magical powers!!

The Welshman says with joy " all my life i have been a farmer & i have a bad hip, i can now jump around & dance, i'm saved thank you Jesus"

Jesus approaches the Scouser to say thanks for the drink, he reaches his hand forward to shake hands, the Scouser looks alarmed & backs off & says " Leave it out mate, i'm on disability benefits"


3. Why does the River Mersey run through Liverpool?
Because if it walked it would be mugged.


4. Saint Peter was manning the Pearly Gates when forty scousers showed up. Never having seen anyone from Liverpool at heaven's door, Saint Peter said he would have to check with God. After hearing the news, God instructed him to admit the ten most virtuous from the group.
A few minutes later, Saint Peter returned to God breathless and said, "They're gone."
"What? All of the Scousers are gone?" asked God.
"No" replied Saint Peter "The Pearly Gates!"

5. What do you call a Scouser with sliverware?

A thief.

[abojodeh]

http://www.cight.com/spareparts/images/scouser_cup1.jpg
we dont believe you gerrard :rolleyes:


Three men, a Scouser, a Manc and a Rasta all in the maternity ward waiting for their partners to give birth. The midwife comes out and tells them congratulations, they're all fathers of beautiful healthy boys, however unfortunately they've run out of the name tags, and the babies have been mixed up, so if they could each go in and identify their sons from any family resemblance etc. The Manc wants to go first, so in he goes and comes out with a black baby The Rasta looks a bit confused, "excuse me", he said, "but don't you think he's likely to be mine ?" "Probably", said the Manc, "but one of them in there's a scouser, and I'm takin' no chances !!!!!"
:D

What's the difference between a Scouser and a broken clock?
Even a clock is right twice a day!


haha

[Zenitka]

Three men, a Scouser, a Manc and a Rasta all in the maternity ward waiting for their partners to give birth. The midwife comes out and tells them congratulations, they're all fathers of beautiful healthy boys, however unfortunately they've run out of the name tags, and the babies have been mixed up, so if they could each go in and identify their sons from any family resemblance etc. The Manc wants to go first, so in he goes and comes out with a black baby The Rasta looks a bit confused, "excuse me", he said, "but don't you think he's likely to be mine ?" "Probably", said the Manc, "but one of them in there's a scouser, and I'm takin' no chances !!!!!"
:D

What's the difference between a Scouser and a broken clock?
Even a clock is right twice a day!

haha

http://s.rimg.info/43d8317b90cb71ad321536652f237f8e.gif hahaha....:D

[abojodeh]

Three Americans and three scousers are travelling by train. At the station, the three Americans each buy tickets and watch as the three scousers buy only a single ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked an American. "Watch" answers a scouser.

They all board the train. The Americans take their respective seats but all three scousers cram into the toilet and close the door behind them.

Shortly after the train departs, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The Americans saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So, on the return trip, the Americans decide to copy the scousers on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the scousers don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket," asks one perplexed American. "Watch" says a scouser.

When they board the train the three Americans cram into a toilet and the three scousers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the scousers leaves his toilet and walks over to the toilet where the Americans are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please".

[reddwarf]

LMAO. Abo that joke is brilliant! :D

[abojodeh]

LMAO. Abo that joke is brilliant! :D
the only three smart scouses :D

[abojodeh]

A man was walking down a street in the centre of Manchester and saw a Rotweiler attacking an old lady. He immediately ran over to the dog and started to struggle in which he sustained many bites, but he eventually he got his hands around the dog's neck and strangled it until it was dead. A passing reporter commented: that was fantastic how you saved that old dears life!, I have to write a story about this, how about the headline - Manchester United fan saves granny's life?, "i'm not a Utd fan" replied the bloke. "well how about Man City fan saves granny's life"? said the reporter. "I'm not a City fan either" siad our hero, " I'm from Liverpool". "Never mind I know just the headline, you read the paper tomorrow" said the reporter. The man picks up the paper the following day to read the headline - SCOUSE KILLS FAMILY PET!!