Some more .......................

[Red Devil]

Dirk Kuyt has become the Prince Harry of Liverpool - 10 weeks in the frontline and nobody has noticed him!


I love going gay clubbing! My only problem is wiping the blood off my baseball bat afterwards.

70% of scousers love having sex in the shower... ...the other 30% haven't been to prison yet.

What's the difference between a cow and a tragedy? A Scouser doesn't know how to milk a cow.

An arab woman knocked on my door yesterday, I didn't open the door... I just peered through the letter box and asked her how she liked it.

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has screwed him for ten million bucks. The bookkeeper is deaf. It was considered an occupational benefit, and why he got the job in the first place, since it was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not be able to hear anything he'd ever have to testify about in court. When the Godfather goes to shakedown the bookkeeper about his missing 10 million bucks, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.

The Godfather asks the bookkeeper "Where is the 10 million bucks you embezzled from me?" The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the 10 million dollars is hidden. The bookkeeper signs back "I don't know what you are talking about."

The attorney tells the Godfather "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."

That's when the Godfather pulls out a 9mm pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple and says "Ask him again!" The attorney signs to the underling "He'll kill you for sure if you don't tell him!"

The bookkeeper signs back "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!"

The Godfather asks the attorney "Well, what'd he say?"

The attorney replies "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."


Last Saturday night; a young chap was walking home from a club. It was a cold, wet, windy evening, and he was tired and freezing. Most of the streetlights in the area were broken, and the silence was only broken by the occasional sound of a stray cat sifting through a dustbin. Then suddenly he heard a strange noise.......
BUMP........
BUMP........
BUMP........

Startled by this, he turned, and to his amazement, through the drivin rain, he saw the faint outline of a large box turning into his road.
BUMP........
BUMP........
BUMP........

He froze to the spot, he couldn't believe his eyes, as the box approached from the shadows, he was able to make out its shape more clearly....It was a coffin. Not wanting anything to do with this, he put his head down and started walking briskly home.
BUMP........
BUMP........
BUMP........

He could feel the coffin gaining on him, he started walking faster.........
BUMP........BUMP......
BUMP........BUMP.....
BUMP........BUMP......

The coffin was closing with his every step, he started to jog, but he heard the coffin speed up after him......
BUMP........BUMP......BUMP......
BUMP........BUMP......BUMP......
BUMP........BUMP......BUMP......

He started to sprint, but so did the coffin .
BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP.
BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP.....
BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP.

Eventually he made it to his front door, but he knew the coffin was only seconds behind. Fumbling around in his pocket, he pulled out his keys,
His hand trembling, he managed to open the lock, he dived inside slamming the front door behind him. He shot into his front room, and lumped into his comfy chair.

Suddenly there was a loud crash, as the coffin smashed its way through the front door. The force of the impact broke the lock off the coffin allowing the lid to swing freely on its rusty hinges as it continue its chase.....
BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...

In horror the young lad fled again, as fast as his shaking legs could take him he bolted upstairs to the bathroom and locked the door........
BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...BUMP...SCREEC H...HOP...
BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...BUMP...SCREEC H...HOP...
BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...BUMP...SCREEC H...HOP...

The coffin again gave chase up the stairs, across the landing and launched itself at the bathroom door. With an almighty smash, the bathroom door flew off its hinges....

The coffin stood in the doorway, then started to approach the young terrified lad.
BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...

In a last ditch attempt to save his skin, he reached for his bathroom cabinet......

He grabbed a bar of Imperial Leather soap and threw it at the coffin.......still it came .
BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...

He grabbed his can of Lynx deodorant and threw it ..... Still it came......
BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...

He grabbed his first aid kit and threw it...still it came......
BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...

He grabbed some Benelyn cough mixture and threw it........



The coffin stopped.



A man with a drum came to my door... I told him to beat it.

My best friend said to me i think ive caught bird disease, i said whys that, he said because im feeling a bit peckish.

What's red and smells like green paint? Red Paint!

A Kindergarten teacher: was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each
child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl: replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher: paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like." Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the
girl: replied, "They will in a minute."

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.." "Yes," the class said. "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?" A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael,
He's a doctor.' A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, She's dead. "

........ has anyone heard about the magic tractor?? it turned into a field....

What do you call a Blonde in a closet? The 1987 World Hide and Seek Champion

A man went into a pet shop to complain about the hamster he had bought. "It was useless" he said. "It didn't do any tricks and died after two days. So I decided to make jam from it but the jam tasted really foul! So I threw the jam onto the rubbish dump in the back garden. Next day, the rubbish dump was covered in tulips." "Didn't you know" said the shop assistant "that you always get tulips from hamster jam?"

These are actual test answers from various schools...

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: What is a planet?
A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

ENGLISH
Q: Use the word "judicious" in a sentence to show you understand its meaning.
A: Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.

Q: What does the word "benign" mean?
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

TECHNOLOGY
Q: What is a turbine?
A: Something an Arab wears on his head.

RELIGION
Q: What is a Hindu?
A: It lays eggs.

[SALFORD RED]

OH !! FFS sake RD , just what i needed at this time of the morning.
Something to wake me up and crack me up laughing. :D
I think all us night workers must have a crazy sense of humour
because i'm sat here trying to type with tears running down my face.

Classics every one of them. :D




PS. Pinching them to post elsewhere tomorrow. :D
.

[Red Devil]

Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss. Each day, they noticed the boss left work early. One day the girls decided that when the boss left, they would leave right behind her. After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early??

The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early. The redhead was elated to be able to get in quick workout at the spa before meeting dinner date.

The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her lady boss!! Gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house.

The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them. "No way", the blonde exclaimed. "I almost got caught yesterday."


2 fish in a race, they were going along and one hit a wall ... DAMN!!!

There's a bloke in front of the firing squad and someone asks him 'Do you have any last requests?' The bloke replies 'Yes, Can peter crouch take the shot?'

Van der Merwe was just finishing his shift operating a drilling machine deep below ground in a South African gold mine when there was a major rock fall…. He comes to in hospital with the surgeon standing over him.

“I’m afraid its bad news, Frik” says the surgeon, “We couldn’t save your left leg”

“O desr” says Frik, “That’s terrible, my life’s completely ruined. Who’s gonna want a one-legged gold digger?”

“Well,” says the surgeon “You could always try Sir Paul McCartney…”


There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer. When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!" He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.


2 Muslims leave Pakistan for England. they agree to meet 2 years later to see who has become the most english. 2 years pass and they meet up again.

1st one says, "I have got a Beckham shirt, went to Portugal to support england, I drink beer and have a bulldog, I fish and play golf at my local country club. How English have you become?

2nd one replies, get out of my country you scrounging *******


An Irishman goes to the Doctor with body problems.... "Dactor, it's me ahrse. I'd loik ya ta teyhk a look, if ya woot".
So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look. "Incredible" he says, "there is a £20 note lodged uph ere." Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man's bottom, and then a £10 note appears. "This is amazing!" exclaims the Doctor. "What do you want me to do?"

"Well fur gadness sake teyhk it out, man!" shrieks the patient. The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and another and another and another, etc....

Finally the last note comes out and no more appear. "Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat's mooch batter, how mooch is dare den?"
The Doctor counts the pile of cash. "£1,990 exactly." "Ah, dat'd be roit. I knew I wasn't feeling two grand."


Some great Irish inventions:

1. The water-proof towel
2. Solar powered flashlight
3. Submarine screen door
4. A book on how to read
5. Inflatable dart board
6. A dictionary index
7. Ejector seat in a helicopter
8. Powdered water
9. Pedal-powered wheel chair
10. Waterproof tea bag


what happened when my girlfriend turned invisible? I stopped seeing her....


Ok David, you have 3 lifelines, you can go 50-50, ask the audience or phone a friend.

Beckham - "Err, I Think I'll phone a friend Chris"
Chris- "Ok David, who would you like to phone?"
Beckham- "Err I think I'll phone Ryan Giggs"
.....Ring, Ring
Giggs- "hello"
Chris "Hello Ryan, it's Chris tarrant here on WWTBAM and I've got David Beckham and he's struggling with one of the questions ad would like your help"
Giggs "Ok"
Chris "Now I'm going to pass you to David and then you have 30 secs to help him with the answer"
Beckham "allright Giggsy"
Giggs "Hi Becks , you ok?"
Beckham " Yeah, not bad mate , how about yourself mate"
Giggs "Not bad mate, injured just now"
Beckham "Sorry to hear that"
Chris "Remember David you only have 30 secs and now you only have 10 left"
Beckham "Oh yeah, Hey Giggsy"
Giggs "yeah?"
Beckham "Should I go 50/50 or ask the audience mate?"

A man goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having a nightmare - the man wakes him and asks his son if he is OK? The son replies he is scared because he dreamt that Auntie Susie had died. The father assures the son that Auntie Susie is fine and sends him to bed. The next day, Auntie Susie dies.

One week later, the man again goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having another nightmare - the man again wakes his son. The son this time says that he had dreamt that granddaddy had died. The father assures the son that granddaddy is fine and sends him to bed. The next day, granddaddy dies.

One week later, the man again goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having another nightmare - the man again wakes his son. The son this time says that he had dreamt that daddy had died. The father assures the son that he is OK and sends the boy to bed. The man goes to bed but cannot sleep because he is so terrified.

The next day, the man is scared for his life- he is sure is going to die. After dressing he drives very cautiously to work fearful of a collision. He doesn't eat lunch because he is scared of food poisoning. He avoids everyone for he is sure he will somehow be killed. He jumps at every noise, starts at every movement and hides under his desk.

Upon walking in his front door at the end of the day, he finds his wife. "Good God, Dear," he proclaims, "I've just had the worst day of my entire life!" She responds, "You think your day was bad, the milkman dropped dead on the doorstep this morning.


Australian, an Irishman and a Liverpudlian are in a bar.

They're staring at another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner.

He's so familiar, and not recognising him is driving them mad.

They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs:

"My God, it's Jesus!"

Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint.

Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a pint of bitter.

Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints slowly, one after another.

After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio.

He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness.

When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement: "My God! The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone. It's a miracle!"

Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the pint of amber nectar.

As he lets go, the man's eyes widen in shock. "Strewth mate, the bad back I've had all my life is completely gone! It's a miracle."

Jesus then approaches the Liverpudlian who knocks over a chair and a table in trying to get away from the Son of God.

"What's wrong my son?" says Jesus.

The Liverpudlian shouts back, "get lost, I'm on disability benefit!"

[-zuco-]

Nice one RD, keep 'em coming :D

[Red Devil]

On the High Street is a chinese restaurant. Opposite this is a greek restaurant. Every morning the proprietor of the Who Flung Da, comes out onto the pavment and ensures its clean for the day.

The owner of the greek restaurant comes out and regularly takes the mickey out of the chinese by shouting "Flied Lice", "Flied Lice" in a faked chinese accent.

After a few months of this, the chinese gent decided to take elecution lessons in college and duly enrolls. 6 months later he finished the course and returns to the job in hand.

Next morning out he goes to sweep the pavement clean outside his restaurant. Sure enough, out comes the Greek owner Fatmo Gottalottagutz, who then starts "Flied Lice, Flied Lice" in his fake chinese accent.

The chinese gent put his brush down and turns to face the Greek across the road. "Actually, old chap, its Fried Rice, you Gleek Plick!"



A blonde woman goes into a department store and tells the salesman she wants a pair of pink curtains.

He assures her they have a good selection of pink curtains.

He shows her many kinds and different fabrics of curtains she finally picks out a pink floral pattern.

The salesman asks, "What size do you need?"

She says, "15 inches."

He exclaims, "15 INCHES!.......What room are they for?"

She says, "It's not for a room, it's for my computer monitor."

The surprised salesman exclaims, "Miss, computers do not need curtains."

The blonde says, "HELLooooooo.........I've got Windows.!!"



Man City are quoted in the press stating that 'Sven could been axed'.

Joey Barton has issued a counter statement saying "it's not our Michael"


Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

In honour of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. It represents a candle, he said. You may pass through the pearly gates Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells" . Saint Peter said you may pass through the pearly gates.

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"

The man replied............. "They're Carols".


Bovine Economy

SOCIALISM: You have 2 cows and you give one to your neighbor.

COMMUNISM: You have 2 cows; the Government takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM: You have 2 cows; the Government takes both and sells you some milk.

NAZISM: You have 2 cows. The Government takes both and shoots you.

BUREAUCRATISM: You have 2 cows; the Government takes both, shoots one, milks the other and throws the milk away...

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. Later, you hire a consultant to analyze why the cow dropped dead.

A FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create a clever cow cartoon image called Cowkimon and market them World-Wide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 2 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION: You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them.

CHINESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION: You have two cows. Both are mad.

AN EGYPTIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. Both are voting for Mobarak.

A LEBANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. Both die suddenly. You search for the Truth.


Six differences between E.T and a refugee ...

E.T looked better, learnt english, came alone, had his own bike, didnt want benefits and went home!

how can you spot a gay traveller? He has a false bottom in his suitcase.


One day, a bear was chasing a rabbit in the forest until the rabbit found a lamp. The bear stopped in disbelief as well. The rabbit rubbed the lamp and a genie popped out.

"Hello my masters. For freeing me, I'll grant each of you three wishes. Master Bear, go first."

"I'd like that all the bears in this forest were turned into female."

"Done. Now you Master Rabbit."

"I'd like a motorcycle helmet."

"Done. Now you Master Bear, and we'll continue this routine until they are over."

"Fine. Then I'd like all the bears in the country to be female." replied the pervert bear.

"Then I'd like a motorcycle." asked the happy rabbit.

"Haha. I wish that ALL other bears in the world are women, then!"

The genie says "Fine Master Bear. Your wishes are complete. Now Mr Rabbit, what shall I do for a grand finale?"

"I wish that Master Bear were gay."


Q: If you see a Liverpool Fan on a bike, why should you never swerve to hit him? It might be your bike...


It's with great sadness that I report that the City of Manchester was broken into last night. The entire contents of the trophy room were stolen. Manchester police are believed to be looking for a man with a blue carpet.


Q: What do you call a sheep tied to a lamp-post in Newport Gwent? A: A leisure centre.
Q: Why do people take an instant dislike to anyone from Leeds? A: It saves time
Q: What has 30,000 arms and an IQ of 170. A: Elland road every other Saturday.
Q: What is the difference between Arsenal and a cup of tea? A: The tea stays in the cup longer!
Q: What do you say to a Gunners supporter with a good looking bird on his arm? A: Nice tattoo
Q. Two Chelsea fans jump off a cliff. Which one hits the ground first?. A. Who cares!
Q: What do you call a Chelsea fan on the moon? A: A Problem.
Q: What do you call 100 Chelsea fans on the moon? A: An even bigger problem.
Q: What do you call all the Chelsea fans on the moon? A: Problem solved

Q: What man-made substance decreases a woman's sex drive by 98%? A: Wedding cake.


Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" Well, "It's Not Unusual."

Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you,"says
Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you
can't - I've cut off your arms!"

I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have
your kayak and heat it too.

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?", they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes
to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she
tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.


And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

[Keano!]

BLOODY BRILLIANT!!!!

Some great Irish inventions:

1. The water-proof towel
2. Solar powered flashlight
3. Submarine screen door
4. A book on how to read
5. Inflatable dart board
6. A dictionary index
7. Ejector seat in a helicopter
8. Powdered water
9. Pedal-powered wheel chair
10. Waterproof tea bag


:rolleyes:



Keep 'em coming!! ;)

[akash_reds]

lmao....brilliant!!!