[carlyluvsunited]

Q. If you see a Scouser on a bicycle, why should you never swerve to hit him?
A: It might be your bicycle



Q: What do you call a Scouser in a suit?
A: The accused.(yes i know it's an old one)



Q: Why does the River Mersey run through Liverpool?
A: Because if it walked it would be mugged.



Q: What do you call a Scouser in a three-bed semi?
A: A burglar.



Q: Why wasn't Jesus born in Merseyside?
A: Because God couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.



Q: What's the difference between a Scouser and a coconut?
A: One's thick and hairy, and the other's a coconut.



Q: What do you say to a scouser on a bike?
A: Stop Thief!



Q: What do you say to a scouser in a uniform?
A: Big Mac and fries please.



Q: What's the first question at a Liverpool pub quiz night ?
A: What are you looking at?




Q: What do you call a scouser in a White Shellsuit ?
A: The Bride




A man is rowing accross a lake in Africa on a Saturday afternoon chanting away as he rows "Bongo.....Bongo.....Bongo", at this time, a flying saucer is shooting past the earth and the aliens spot the man and decide to beam him up to perform some tests.

After the tests are completed they decide to put him back in his boat, "Stop" the leader says, lets see what happens to this human if we remove a quarter of his brain", so the aliens remove a quarter of the guys brain and beam him back down to his boat, "Lets see what happens to him now" the aliens say.

As the aliens watch, the man wakes up in his boat and wonders what has just happened, un-nerved by his experience he continues to row accross the lake chanting on his way "Bongo......Bongo......Bongo"

Amazed by this, the aliens beam the man back up to the ship, "How can this happen, he has a quarter of his brain missing, right lets remove half of his brain and see what happens", the aliens remove half of the mans brain leaving him with just a quarter of his brain left and beam him back down to his boat, "This should do something to him" say the aliens.

Once again, the man wakes up in his boat and wonders what has just happened, as before un-nerved by his experience he continues to row accross the lake chanting on his way "Bongo......Bongo......Bongo"

This makes the aliens even more confused, "Get him back up here and remove all of his brain" says the alien leader, "This must surely have some effect". So the aliens once again beam the man back up the ship and completely remove his brain leaving him brainless and then put him back in his boat.

And once again the man wakes up in his boat and wonders what has just happened, he cannot recall his experience and continues to row across the lake chanting on his way "Ferrry 'cross the Mersey........."



At the end of a tiny deserted bar is a huge scouse bloke - 6ft 5in tall and 350lbs. He's having a few beers when a short, well dressed and obviously gay man walks in and sits beside him. After 3 or 4 beers, the gay fella finally plucks up the courage to say something to the big Liverpudlian.

Leaning over, he cups his huge ear: "Do you want a blow job?" he whispers. At this, the massive Merseysider leaps up with fire in his eyes and smacks the man in the face. Knocking him off the stool, he proceeds to beat him all the way out of the bar. Finally he leaves him, badly bruised, in the car park and returns to his seat as if nothing had happened.

Amazed the bartender quickly brings over another beer. "I've never seen you react like that" he says.

"Just what did he say to you?"

"I'm not sure" the big scouser replies.

"Something about a job."





2 Scousers are riding along the M62 from Manchester to Liverpool on a motorbike. They break down and start hitching a lift. A friendly trucker stops to see if he can help and the scousers ask him for a lift. He tells them he has no room in the wagon as he is carrying 20,000 bowling balls but will take a look at the bike for them. He tries everything he knows but is unable to repair it.
Time is getting on now and he's late for his delivery so he tells the scousers he has to leave.
"R hey lad" they say "gissa lift".
The trucker once again explains that he has no room as he is carrying 20,000 bowling balls. The scousers put it to the driver that if they can manage to fit in the back will he take them and he agrees. They manage to squeeze themselves and their motorbike into the back of the wagon so the driver shuts the doors and gets off on his way. By this time he is really late and so puts his foot down. Sure enough PC Plod of Greater Manchester Police pulls him up for speeding. The good officer asks the driver what he is carrying to which he replies Scouse Eggs. The policeman obviously doesn't believe this so wants to take a look. He opens the back door and quickly shuts it and locks it.
He gets onto his radio and calls for immediate backup from as many officers as possible. The dispatcher asks what emergency he has that requires so many officers.
"I've got a wagon with 20,000 Scouse eggs in it - 2 have already hatched and the b*****ds have managed to nick a motorbike already".






The bartender was washing his glasses, when an elderly Irishman came in.With great difficulty, the Irishman hoisted his bad leg over the barstool,
pulled himself up painfully, and asked for a sip of Irish whiskey. The Irishman looked down the bar and said, "Is that Jesus down there?" The
bartender nodded,so the Irishman told him to give Jesus an Irish whiskey,too.

The next patron to come in was an ailing Italian with a hunched back,who moved very slowly. He shuffled up to the barstool and asked for a glass
of Chianti. He also looked down the bar and asked if that was Jesus sitting at the end of the bar. The bartender nodded, so the Italian said to give
Him a glass of Chianti, too.

The third patron to enter the bar was a Scouser,who swaggered into the bar and yelled, "Barkeeper, giv us a lager der la! Hey, is dat God's Boy down dere?" The barkeeper nodded, so
the Scouser told him to give Jesus a lager, too.

As Jesus got up to leave,he walked over to the Irishman and touched him and said, "For your kindness,you are healed!" The Irishman felt the strength comeback to his
leg, so he got up and danced a jig out the door.
Jesus touched the Italian and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!" The Italian felt his backstraighten, so he raised his hands above his head and did a flip out the door.
Jesus walked towards the Scouser, but the Scouser jumped back and exclaimed,"**** off, I'll lose my disabiltity benefit!!!!"

[SolskjaertheLegend]

The Q & A jokes are decent lol. I havnt read the longer jokes, i cba lol i will (maybe) at somepoint though

[SALFORD RED]

This is a letter sent to Dear Deirdre of the Sun newspaper.

I am a sailor in the merchant navy. My parents live in South London and one of my sisters, who lives in Brixton is married to a guy from Liverpool.

My mother and father have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana and are currently dependant on my two sisters who are prostitutes. I have two brothers, one who is currently serving a non-parole life sentence in Wormwood Scrubs for the rape and murder of a teenage boy in 1994, the other is currently being held in Wandsworth on charges of incest on his three children.

I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who is still a part time 'working girl' in a brothel, however her time there is limited as she has recently been infected with an STD. We intend to marry as soon as possible and are currently looking into the possibility of opening our own brothel with my fiancé utilising her knowledge of the industry working as a manager. I am hoping my two sisters would be interested in joining our team. Although I would prefer them not to prostitute themselves, it would at least get them off the streets, and hopefully the heroin.

My problem is this: I love my fiancé and look forward to bringing her into the family, and of course I want to be totally honest with her.

Should I tell her about my brother-in-law being a scouser?

[keane7]

damm funny!!!!>..... if i was ascouse.. i'd hang myself and strap a time bomb on myself.. n have someone to creamte n throw my ash on stanley park.. :P

[SALFORD RED]

Why is the grass on the pitch at Anfailed so nice and green ??







They put so much **** on it.

[keane7]

becasue everytime a mu fan goes there, they **** all over the place n the grass tends to get manure..

Q. Whats the difference between Batman and a scouser?

A. Batman can go out without robin

[Justice]

This is a thread of epic proportions, Carly Wins.

[PrinceZane]

If I didn't know any better, I'd say Carly was giving a peace offering to the dirty 'ol scousers.

[SALFORD RED]

There was a Scouser, a Manc and Model sitting together in a carriage in a train.
Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train, there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark. Then there was a kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap.
When the train came out of the tunnel, The Model and the Manc were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Scouser had his hand against his face as he had been slapped there.
The Scouser was thinking: 'The Manc fella must have kissed the Model and she missed him and slapped me instead.'
The Model was thinking: 'The Scouser fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Manc and got slapped for it.'
And the Manc was thinking: 'This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel I'll make another kissing noise and slap that Scouse **** again

[carlyluvsunited]

Originally Posted by SALFORD RED

There was a Scouser, a Manc and Model sitting together in a carriage in a train.
Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train, there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark. Then there was a kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap.
When the train came out of the tunnel, The Model and the Manc were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Scouser had his hand against his face as he had been slapped there.
The Scouser was thinking: 'The Manc fella must have kissed the Model and she missed him and slapped me instead.'
The Model was thinking: 'The Scouser fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Manc and got slapped for it.'
And the Manc was thinking: 'This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel I'll make another kissing noise and slap that Scouse **** again

I clicked the link on your signature too, lol....I just have to do this you know

Never gonna give you up.......pffft !!!