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Hello Malcolm

I've been thinking about you a lot recently. Not in an undressed Kelly Brook way of course but nevertheless as Kylie might sing, I can't get you out of my head. Those nearest and dearest say I've become just a little obsessed with you this summer.

I blame that Adidas advert ‘Impossible Is Nothing' and the Sinead O'Connor song which I heard on the radio again after donkey's years. It was the ultimate earworm, commanding my senses in a way that not even the dreadful Rihanna's ‘Umbrella' could match. No matter what I did, I couldn't forget the darn thing.

‘Nothing Compares To You' is the title and yep Malcolm, that fits you like a spray painted suit. You might wonder how a torch song leads to thoughts of a Yankee billionaire? Well, it's not that deep really. I just cant think of anyone who has managed to do what you've done this close season without the aid of a big black hat, a wand and a fluffy rabbit!

A new Premiership campaign will begin shortly and there is real excitement as United set out to retain their title, armed with four excellent summer signings. Apart from a stumble at home to Inter Milan, the pre-season went swimmingly. The manager looks relaxed whilst the players seem confident. Even CQ rushed in to capitalise on the ‘Feel Good Factor' with a charm offensive of his own, hawking himself to the United faithful as a devotee of entertaining football. Who would have believed that possible just two years ago?

After three years in the doldrums, the fans are expectant again as the new season approaches, whilst the media is becalmed. And presiding over it all, grinning from ear to ear no doubt, is your man Chief Executive David Gill, ready with an “I told you so†for every passing microphone and notebook.

I still cant believe how you have pulled this off. Even your media handlers must have warned you that you could never hope to be truly accepted in the manner of the other foreign billionaires now swamping the English game. But either by luck or design, some say you might just have turned the corner. With this outrageous good fortune Malcolm, you should run down to the nearest bookies and plonk a few of your billions on any nag that takes your fancy. You can't loose!

Take the new players for instance. You've signed a 23 year old international striker for near peanuts and have two years to decide whether he really fits the bill. Tevez is already energetic but the World Doping Agency might begin to take an interest if the Argentine striker moves to a higher level of intensity with the motivation that he now has to perform.

The tax wheeze which allowed United to announce the signing of Hargreaves weeks before he actually signed, saved you more than a few quid, we have since learned. And the two ‘ones for the future' which the CQ brought over from Portugal were signed for a reasonable initial outlay, thanks to all the add-on clauses.

As with the Carrick deal last year, the mantra seems to be ‘no dash, no cash' and its all good for United.

All of this means of course, that after three years at the helm, you are still to put into the club the £25 million a season you promised when you won control. But rather than be pilloried, many a fan and the media cheer you to the rafters. Brilliant!

Malcolm, you'd have every reason to be satisfied if this was your only accomplishment this summer. But then you didn't stop there did you?

I was among those certain United would get taken to the cleaners by clubs looking to scoop up Fergie's surplus talent. It has become something of a tradition from the era of Birtles to that of Van Nistelrooy to steal United's unwanted stars for a pittance. But for this close season at least, the trend was bucked.

Newcastle edged you on the Alan Smith deal. The £6 million asking price always seemed a little low for an English international player, when the unproven David Nugent was flogged for the same amount to Portsmouth and Boro's Yakubu might cost Everton as much as £12 million.

But goodness, there were no watery eyes, nor a week of walking like John Wayne, when negotiations were concluded with the Spaniards over the £6.5 million sale of Giuseppe Rossi. And respect! You actually managed to get Roy Keane, no one's mug, to put on the table more than £5 million for Kieran Richardson and leave it there!

This will all be written down one day by some management guru as a model example of how to ‘triumph' over near impossible odds. But the best part for you no doubt, is still to come.

The anti-Glazer protestors worry about the debt and claim you are milking the club. They even speculate that there might be something to all these rumours about deep-pocketed foreigners looking to buy United from you, although I didn't know whether to laugh or cry when I read of Iranian interest in the club.

But who will be paying any attention to Jonah arguments or financial ledgers if Tevez starts scoring, Nani flips, Anderson works his tricks, Hargreaves puts a lock on the midfield and Rooney and Ronaldo remain content in Red?

Yep, no one, that's who. And if it all goes wrong, or if Fergie's tinkering messes up the whole rosy picture of rolling success all the way to Champions league glory in Moscow next year, well, who will be pointing the finger at the robber baron owner?

Yep, you guessed it again. No-one! There will be far more attractive targets for blame! Who would have thought you'd have more than dissembling in common with the former British Prime Minister Tony Blair? With such priceless insulation from the usual rough and rumble of owning a football club, we might soon be calling you Teflon Glazer at this rate?

There's still the shocking embarrassment of United fans taking the club to court over the bonkers season ticket requirement but with the hand you dealt yourself when taking control of United, Machievelli could not have done better.

So congratulations on winning the PR war this summer. Now if only you could work the same magic on the £660 million debt and make it disappear.
 
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