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Here we go, no offence to anyone;)

Ladies:


Q. How are men and parking spots alike?
A. The good ones are always taken. The rest are dirty and small

Q. Why is it good that three are female astronauts?
A. When they get lost, at least a woman will ask for directions.

Man says to God, "God, why did you make women so beautiful?" God replies,
"So you would love them" "But God", the man says, "why did you make them so
dumb?" God answers, "I did that so they'd love you"

Q. Why are dumb blonde jokes so short?
A. So men can understand them

Q. What do you call a woman who knows where her man is every night?
A. A widow

Go for younger men, they never mature anyway.

Q. What did God say when he created man?
A. "Jeez...I can do so better then this!"....and woman was made

Q. How does a bloke show he's planning for the future?
A. He buys two cases of beer

Q. How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
A. Put the remote between his toes

Q. What do you call a man with 90% intelligence gone?
A. Divorced

Q. Why did the man cross the road?
A. He heard the chicken was hot

Q. Why are men like blenders?
A. You need one, but not sure why

Q. Whats the quickest way to a mans heart?
A. Through the chest with a sharp knife

Q. Why are women so bad a maths?
A. Men keep telling them this, <----------------------------------------> is 12 inches

Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener




Lads jokes:


Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked, "Whats on the TV?" I replied, "Dust!"

Q. How many men does it take to open a beer?
A. None, It should be opened by the time she brings it

I haven't spoken to my wife for 6 weeks. I don't like to interrupt her

Q. Why are women a lot like carpets?
A. If you lay them right the first time, you can walk all over them later

Proof that women are evil.
  • First we state that women require time and money.
    (Girls = Time x Money)
  • ..and we all know that "time is money"...so,
    (Time = Money)
  • Therefore,
    (Girls = Money x Money = Money x 2)
  • And because "money is the root of all evil"....
    (Money = the square root of evil)
  • Therefore,
    (Girls = evil squared x 2)
  • Concluding that,
    (Girls = Evil)
Young Son: "Is it true dad that in some parts of Arfica, a man doesn't know his
wife until he marries her?
Dad: "That happens in every country son....."

All wives are alike, they just have different faces to tell them part

Q. Why do women have smaller feet then man?
A. So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink

Q. What have you done wrong when your wife comes out of the kitchen nagging
at you?
A. Made the chain too long

Q. Whats the difference between a woman and a battery?
A. A battery has a posotive side

Q. How do you know when a women is about to say something smart?
A. When they begin their sentence with, "A man once told me....."

A man inserted an advert in a newspaper reading, "Wife wanted" The next day
he received hundreads of letters saying, "You can have mine!"

Q. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. None. Let the bitch cook in the dark!
 
Z

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Q. What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?

A. Nothing, you already told her twice :eek:
 

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Husband: I don't know why you wear a bra, you've got nothing to put in it.


Wife: You wear briefs, don't you?


What is a man's definition of safe sex?


A padded headboard.


What is the thinnest book in the world?


"What men know about women."


How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?


Who knows? - It hasn't happened yet!!



What is a man's idea of helping with housework?


Lifting his leg so you can vacuum.


Why are men like laxatives?


They can irritate the crap out of you.


How do you know if a man is lying?


His lips are moving!

 

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Jennaluvsunited said:
Husband: I don't know why you wear a bra, you've got nothing to put in it.


Wife: You wear briefs, don't you?


What is a man's definition of safe sex?


A padded headboard.


What is the thinnest book in the world?


"What men know about women."


How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?


Who knows? - It hasn't happened yet!!



What is a man's idea of helping with housework?


Lifting his leg so you can vacuum.


Why are men like laxatives?


They can irritate the crap out of you.


How do you know if a man is lying?


His lips are moving!

All great jokes!!
 

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Husband: I don't know why you wear a bra, you've got nothing to put in it.


Wife: You wear briefs, don't you?


lol :D
 
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