[Rahul]

Let's Laugh at our Rivals

We have a similar thread but only for Newcastle United football club so I thought that why don't we have a thread where we can post in anything that is hilarious about all our rivals in here including Newcastle United.

So let me start off with a few good posts and you can add your share of events that will make all of us laugh.

 

[Rahul]

Chel$ki Abramograd F.C. {Chelsea}

“They may be the richest football club in the world, but there's one thing they can't buy: a dinosaur!”
~ Homer Simpson on Chelski

“Um, what about Shevchenko?”
~ Bob Carrolgees on Homer Simpson's Observation

“All that money, and yet they can't buy love...”
~ Bono

“All that money, and yet he can't buy a good pair of ****ing sunglasses”
~ Ken Bates's response


Chelsea '**** YOUR HISTORY' Football Club, branded The ***** Of London, are a Moscow based football club founded by a donkey faced Russian gangster in 2003. Their creation was foretold by Stalin during his visions of the future in 1942. Legend has it that there's a little Lenin in Chelski football club. He's the 4ft 11 kitman.


History

Chelsea have saggy ******l flaps, and have fought battles with them throughout the ages, earning many STD's and diseases e.g. YEAST and ******l thrush. The story begins in the 1960s, when the ***** King Greenaway united the tribes under his rule and created a strong military unit. One of their earliest skirmishes was against their queer neighbours the San Antonio Spurs, whose formidable Yid Army was crushed at the gates of Wembley in 1967. The Yid Army would return on many occasions. Chelsea also suck men.

The victory brought them into contact with tribes from further afield, the most daunting of which were the brave, honourable Lions of Millwall, against whom many bloody battles would be fought over the years, with the mighty Millwall usually coming out on top. The most notorious of said clashes came in 1977 when the Lions unleashed a new kind of weapon, the meathook. Casualties were high on both sides. This was the first conflict in history to be fully televised on PPV.

The ******l advance reached the continent. Chelsea were attacked by the Romans in 1965, who were promptly crushed in a cunning pincer movement. In revenge, Greenaway's hordes swept through Europe, devastating Bruges and Zaragoza in the process. They reached Rome, but a surprise attack in 1965 forced a strategic withdrawal.

The battles on the domestic front continued. The knife-wielding Scousers were slaughtered; the River Mersey is said to have been red with blood for days. ****ney tribes from the east were held off in the infamous Battle of the Shed, 1969. After EmptyPig surrendered without even raising their standard, the Chelsea hordes again marched north. This time the enemy were Leeds, a horde known for its savagery and taste for drinking the blood of their defeated enemies. This time, however, it was King Greenaway the Glorious who feasted on the claret.

So concludes the history of the Chelsea hordes. Whenever someone tells you Chelsea have no history, always ask: who was it your daddy and his mates were always running away from then?

Chelsea are a football team who have history, yes.

In conclusion to this, dickhead!


Chel$ki's Business Tactics

These are examples of how a typical transfer occurs within Chel$ki:

Typical Transfer no. 1

Mourinho: Hmm...that player that I saw the other day, lets buy him.

Russian Mafia Spy: That was a documentary on Franz Beckenbauer, the West German football legend.

Mourinho: Yeah, yeah spare me the details, offer him some cash so he will play for us.

Russian Mafia Spy: He retired from football like 30 years ago...I doubt he will be for sale

Mourinho: In that case, lets buy another German that begins with a B.

Russian Mafia Spy: Hmm...Ballack?

Mourinho: Sure, whatever, what have we got to lose anyway? Money? (laughs insanely)

Russian Mafia Spy: (laughs maniacally) Good one.

Typical Transfer no. 2

Mourinho: I received some shocking news yesterday. Apparently we are not at the top of the tables in the Premiership? THIS IS AN OUTRAGE! WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN!

Russian Mafia Spy: Its been like this the whole season, Greys Athletic were on top since the beginning...

Mourinho: WHAT!? Why was I not aware of this?

Russian Mafia Spy: Erm...I can think of several reasons, but thats not the point, we need to solve this problem.

Mourinho: Hmmm this should be simple, lemme just check my Football Manager 07 on my PC and see which players are the most valuable...lets see...Rooney? Nah he will **** all the 'Chelsea Pensioners'. Messi? Nah silly name. Hey check this guy out, Salomon Kalou is rated quite high! Lets buy this player!

Russian Mafia Spy: ...Hes on our team already...

Mourinho: Fine then... I'll check some good players from the last few seasons... What about this guy?

Russian Mafia Spy: Erm... how long ago have you gone back?!? Jurgen Klinsmann is from ages ago! He just retired from coach of Germany!

Mourinho: Oh.

Shevchenko: Lets buy Kaká, I played with him in AC Milan and I think he is a great player.

Russian Mafia Advisor: Or, how about we get someone who is 10 years older. Either that or we buy a Cole.

Mourinho: I like your thinking Oudya Nickabollockov! Hmmm what about this Pelé fellow?

Everyone: *silence*

Typical Transfer no. 3

Abramovich: Alright Mourinho, you've lost the Premiership and the Champions League, so next season I expect a better performance from the team. Basically what I mean is if you give me a rim job I'll inject more funds for your transfers next season.

Special Juan: But Roman, the grass is only greener on the other side if the gardener on that side is better than the gardener on your side.

Abramovich: ...wait, what?

Special Juan: If you want your pants up after you're done on the toilet, you must pull them up yourself, unless you trained your dog to do it for you.

Abramovich: Y'Wotfudd??? Stop playing these mind games with me Jose! Listen, my funds are limited this year, I think its time to sell a few of your unused players and get some cash back instead of just leeching off me.

Special Juan: But that's the difference, because the Special Juan won't compromise on his integrity to enforce a subjugated anomaly for the betterment of social causes such as racism and bigotry between the undereducated feminist chauvinist pigs. That is why I need money to buy another near fossilized player...I'm thinking maybe Ronaldo, Nedved or Scholl?

Abramovich: Well....um....you make a very persuasive argument, how about I'll let you buy all three if you give me that rim job?

Special Juan: No problem! Wait, whats a rim job?

Abramovich: You'll see... *wink*

 

[Rahul]

Arsenal

Arse anal FC, are a Foreign Football team known to have the most beautiful bunch of Footballers to ever play the game. The club consistently finish in the top 4 of the league on account of their pure beautiful footballers. In fact they play "Wengerball", 962 passes per minute and every 6.3 hours a shot will be made, usually by samir Nasri or Kolo toure. Arsenal have not won a meaningful trophy for years. However, Arsenal is a different type of club. Rather than aim for trophies and winning matches, they judge success on the number of passes completed during a season. On that criteria, they have been the best team in the world for ten years running. In the summer of 2005, Arsenal turned down an offer of Kaka on a free transfer, due to the fact that he was too good looking, heterosexual, and had no French relatives.

The other chief businesses of Arsénalle FC are nurturing terrorists, the export of alcohol of the homosexual form; WKD.

During the construction of the Library, a horse accidentally fell into an open pit, where the foundations were being laid. It was not rescued but buried under the North Bank Stand. Its ghost can be seen at night urinating on the opposition manager's seat and this is why they stink so much. Unknown to many Arsénalle supporters is the fact that larry Watson actually a massive Chelsea fan

Arsénalle now play at the 'immigrates' stadium, which holds up to 7892372893812 people, only 6 of the fans are english and a few dozen are from the planet Mars, it is believed that they base their team on their stadium name.

Despite not being French, it is well publicised that Osama Bin Laden is an Arsénalle fan, now I'm not saying there's anything wrong with Arsénalle; but when the biggest terrorist in the world supports you what does that say about you?

Arsénalle currently have a contract with a Mrs. Edna Jenkins of Hull. Freddie Ljungberg, Thierry Henry and several other players are paid millions to model her gloves. It is believed that they were brought for just 60p in a charity shop in a place not far from where you are.

Arsénalle are a top english team with many great french and spanish players. Wait i meant Arsenal are a great Spanish team who got lost on their way to the gay football league so ended up in England.

 

[Rahul]

These posts are rather long but its very hilarious in my opinion. Anyways guys keep on adding things you find really stupid and funny about our rivals.

 

[Rahul]

Curbishley: "I never even met Hayden Mullins"

RECENTLY DEPARTED West Ham boss Alan Curbishley has lifted the lid on the shocking restrictions placed upon him as manger, revealing that he was forced out of the club's decision making process from top to bottom.

http://the-gaffer.com/news/curbishley-never-met-hayden-mullins.html

 

[SALFORD RED]

Nice one rrah ( hope rrah for short is ok), i have been well laughing at these.
Please keep them coming.

Arse anal FC was great but Chel$ki had me in stitches laughing.

Thanks mate, all i can say is MORE MORE MORE !!!
.

 

[Rahul]

Nice one rrah ( hope rrah for short is ok), i have been well laughing at these.
Please keep them coming.

Arse anal FC was great but Chel$ki had me in stitches laughing.

Thanks mate, all i can say is MORE MORE MORE !!!
.

First of all, thanks for the appreciation.

And secondly, I won't mind you calling me 'rrah' but it would be better if your call me Rahul as that's my name. Anyways both will do

 

[Rahul]

 

[Rahul]

Some really funny pictures:

 

[Ritesh MU]

Very good keep bringing in.

 

[Rahul]

Proof that Rafa Benitez has never played football

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yIQzcZBoHNg&feature=related


Anelka's Alternate Penalty!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V0FkNEsrNME

 

[Rahul]

A paragraph from the following link:

"A second lesser 'treble horror' occurred for Chelsea in 2007-2008. Chelsea lost the League Cup final to Tottenham Hotspur, came runners-up in the Premier League to Manchester United and lost the 2008 UEFA Champions League Final after a penalty shootout to Manchester United in Moscow on 21st May 2008. Michael Ballack who played for Chelsea in 2007-08 also played for Bayer Leverkusen in 2002, and went on to lose the Euro 2008 Final."

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Treble#.27Treble_Horror.27

 

[Ritesh MU]

rahul for photos there is another thread. lol

 

[Rahul]

 

[Rahul]

Wengers Downfall

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QTdBBVW9bTs

 

[Rahul]

rahul for photos there is another thread. lol

Sorry I did not know about it. Anyways did you like the pictures? They are quite old but funny.

 

[SALFORD RED]

First of all, thanks for the appreciation.

And secondly, I won't mind you calling me 'rrah' but it would be better if your call me Rahul as that's my name. Anyways both will do

Rahul it is mate.

Sure i'm not the only one who appreciates your posts and making my sides bloody hurt as well.

LMAO at Rafa Benitez never played football vids
.

 

[Rahul]

Rahul it is mate.

Sure i'm not the only one who appreciates your posts and making my sides bloody hurt as well.

LMAO at Rafa Benitez never played football vids
.

Keep on adding interesting links if you have some. I'll try and keep posting things which will make all of us laugh.

 

[Rahul]

"Where are they now?" Part I

1. Eric Cantona - Found his creative side during the subsequent anger management sessions, and can be found to this day performing contemporary jazz-informed dance on the Ile De Paris. Unfortunately Cantona's short fuse got the better of him again in 2003 at the Ouest End premier of his freestyle interpretation of Asterix the Gaul. The fiery Red 'hundred hand slapped' an audience member after hearing them quip "René Goscinny would be le spinning in his le grave"

2. Matthew Simmons – Spontaneously combusted on impact. Scientists mumbled something about Predator boots in order to offer some form of explanation to family members and their use was banned by foreigners for 12 months. Ugo Ehiogu was given special dispensation

3. Berkshire Michael – Having won a Blue Peter competition for a day out with The United, Michael begans to wonder whether he was the true Red he thought he was. He now describes his support as 'eclectic' having followed a number of teams since. In a twist of fate he allez'ed Les Blues in Euro 08, before changing to his true favourites Holland, and then the mighty, mighty Ruskies... Spain

4. Marti Pellow – Turned to heroin to try and dull the images of this day, which ultimately led to the break-up of Nineties soul troubadours Wet Wet Wet. Pellow did at least try to exorcise his demons through the song Julia (see number 8) Says, but the horror was all too much to bear

5. Wayne Hemingway – After seeing his famous flat cap design fall from grace in the early Nineties, Hemmingway himself brought the look back to prominence with a little help from a Selhurst Park season ticket and a well-managed photo opportunity. Later in his career Hemingway distanced himself from his previous invention, the scarf, and totally denied being the visionary behind Italia 90 mascot Ciao

6. Windsor Davies – The It Ain't Half Hot Mum star committed suicide days later, claiming responsibility for the whole sorry incident having bellowed his unique catchphrase "you is a bunch of poofs!" only moments earlier

7. Bertram Caxton - Didn't surprise this Yorkhsireman then, and doesn't surprise him now. He explained his thinking in a recent blog: "I went to an eatery in Calais and they served me frogs' legs. Frogs' legs!!!"

8. Julia - Utilising the brief moment of fame afforded her by Marti and the other Wets she decided to follow her dream to become a despot. She had a very successful spell in Iraq during the Nineties and early Noughties, but has since been hanged after spending some time living in a hole

9. James Trout -Missed the whole incident due to the fact that he was staring lovingly into Cantona's eyes. Went on to successfuly complete Quakes 1 and 3

 

[Rahul]

"Where Are They Now?" Part II

Beckham's red card at France '98

1. David Beckham - Was assured at half time by Glenn Hoddle that he "would still go to heaven", following his moment of madness. But at full time following England's penalty loss, an angry Hoddle had changed his tune, informing Beckham that he would, after all, be damned to spending eternity burning in hell with the disabled. Beckham's career and morale took a dramatic nosedive and despite marrying Hear'Say star Kym Marsh in 2001 in a desperate attempt to raise his profile, he was never heard from again

2. Kim Milton Nielsen – Accidentally fell asleep in a Danish hospital waiting room in 2003 when offering emotional support to Torben Piechnik who was having an ingrown toenail removed. When Nielsen woke up he was distraught to find out that full gender reassignment surgery had been mistakenly carried out. His mood turned from inconsolable despair to surprisingly chipper when it was pointed out he would not have to change his name

3. The France'98 Red Card – Failed to appear at Euro 2000 after a disastrous qualifying campaign. Fled to Morocco after being vilified by the French media, and is currently working part-time as a postcard in the costal town of Tangier

4. Gabriel Batistuta – Famously nodded his head so vigorously in agreement with the sending off that he severed his cervical spine causing a permanent dense paraplegia. Recently shrugged off his injury to play the part of Jesus Christ in popular children's interactive e-book The Bible

5. Matías Almeyda – After crashing out to Dennis Bergkamp FC in the quarter-finals, most of the Argentinean squad chartered a small fishing trawler to sail home, only to come unstuck in the unforgiving Pacific Ocean. Most were lost at sea presumed dead but Almeyda swam 1,500 miles to the small Mexican mining town of San Luis Garcia where he runs an illegal Sega Dreamcast game bootlegging ring and answers to the name El Bosque Minúsculo (roughly translated, The Tiny Forest)

6. Diego Simeone – Following Beckham's vicious attack, Simeone had his right knee totally amputated and the two remaining parts of his leg sewn back together to form a useless stiff stump. Despite this disability, Simeone is still one of the first names on the team sheet for Leatherhead and District Division Six side Effingham Old Boys

7. Paul Scholes - A sensitive man of extraordinarily low intelligence, Scholes was totally confused by the sequence of events which led to the sending off. He stood in the exact pose seen in this photo for 48 hours with a blank expressionless face until he was removed by ground staff and placed on display at Preston's National Football Museum as a permanent monument to correct sendings off

8. Alan Shearer -Pursued a career in punditry but was laughed out of his Match of the Day interview after BBC bigwigs found Shearer 'boring, monotonous, uninspired and with a complete lack of footballing insight'