Chel$ki Abramograd F.C. {Chelsea}
“They may be the richest football club in the world, but there's one thing they can't buy: a dinosaur!”
~ Homer Simpson on Chelski
“Um, what about Shevchenko?”
~ Bob Carrolgees on Homer Simpson's Observation
“All that money, and yet they can't buy love...”
~ Bono
“All that money, and yet he can't buy a good pair of ****ing sunglasses”
~ Ken Bates's response
Chelsea '**** YOUR HISTORY' Football Club, branded The ***** Of London, are a Moscow based football club founded by a donkey faced Russian gangster in 2003. Their creation was foretold by Stalin during his visions of the future in 1942. Legend has it that there's a little Lenin in Chelski football club. He's the 4ft 11 kitman.
History
Chelsea have saggy ******l flaps, and have fought battles with them throughout the ages, earning many STD's and diseases e.g. YEAST and ******l thrush. The story begins in the 1960s, when the ***** King Greenaway united the tribes under his rule and created a strong military unit. One of their earliest skirmishes was against their queer neighbours the San Antonio Spurs, whose formidable Yid Army was crushed at the gates of Wembley in 1967. The Yid Army would return on many occasions. Chelsea also suck men.
The victory brought them into contact with tribes from further afield, the most daunting of which were the brave, honourable Lions of Millwall, against whom many bloody battles would be fought over the years, with the mighty Millwall usually coming out on top. The most notorious of said clashes came in 1977 when the Lions unleashed a new kind of weapon, the meathook. Casualties were high on both sides. This was the first conflict in history to be fully televised on PPV.
The ******l advance reached the continent. Chelsea were attacked by the Romans in 1965, who were promptly crushed in a cunning pincer movement. In revenge, Greenaway's hordes swept through Europe, devastating Bruges and Zaragoza in the process. They reached Rome, but a surprise attack in 1965 forced a strategic withdrawal.
The battles on the domestic front continued. The knife-wielding Scousers were slaughtered; the River Mersey is said to have been red with blood for days. ****ney tribes from the east were held off in the infamous Battle of the Shed, 1969. After EmptyPig surrendered without even raising their standard, the Chelsea hordes again marched north. This time the enemy were Leeds, a horde known for its savagery and taste for drinking the blood of their defeated enemies. This time, however, it was King Greenaway the Glorious who feasted on the claret.
So concludes the history of the Chelsea hordes. Whenever someone tells you Chelsea have no history, always ask: who was it your daddy and his mates were always running away from then?
Chelsea are a football team who have history, yes.
In conclusion to this, dickhead!
Chel$ki's Business Tactics
These are examples of how a typical transfer occurs within Chel$ki:
Typical Transfer no. 1
Mourinho: Hmm...that player that I saw the other day, lets buy him.
Russian Mafia Spy: That was a documentary on Franz Beckenbauer, the West German football legend.
Mourinho: Yeah, yeah spare me the details, offer him some cash so he will play for us.
Russian Mafia Spy: He retired from football like 30 years ago...I doubt he will be for sale
Mourinho: In that case, lets buy another German that begins with a B.
Russian Mafia Spy: Hmm...Ballack?
Mourinho: Sure, whatever, what have we got to lose anyway? Money? (laughs insanely)
Russian Mafia Spy: (laughs maniacally) Good one.
Typical Transfer no. 2
Mourinho: I received some shocking news yesterday. Apparently we are not at the top of the tables in the Premiership? THIS IS AN OUTRAGE! WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN!
Russian Mafia Spy: Its been like this the whole season, Greys Athletic were on top since the beginning...
Mourinho: WHAT!? Why was I not aware of this?
Russian Mafia Spy: Erm...I can think of several reasons, but thats not the point, we need to solve this problem.
Mourinho: Hmmm this should be simple, lemme just check my Football Manager 07 on my PC and see which players are the most valuable...lets see...Rooney? Nah he will **** all the 'Chelsea Pensioners'. Messi? Nah silly name. Hey check this guy out, Salomon Kalou is rated quite high! Lets buy this player!
Russian Mafia Spy: ...Hes on our team already...
Mourinho: Fine then... I'll check some good players from the last few seasons... What about this guy?
Russian Mafia Spy: Erm... how long ago have you gone back?!? Jurgen Klinsmann is from ages ago! He just retired from coach of Germany!
Mourinho: Oh.
Shevchenko: Lets buy Kaká, I played with him in AC Milan and I think he is a great player.
Russian Mafia Advisor: Or, how about we get someone who is 10 years older. Either that or we buy a Cole.
Mourinho: I like your thinking Oudya Nickabollockov! Hmmm what about this Pelé fellow?
Everyone: *silence*
Typical Transfer no. 3
Abramovich: Alright Mourinho, you've lost the Premiership and the Champions League, so next season I expect a better performance from the team. Basically what I mean is if you give me a rim job I'll inject more funds for your transfers next season.
Special Juan: But Roman, the grass is only greener on the other side if the gardener on that side is better than the gardener on your side.
Abramovich: ...wait, what?
Special Juan: If you want your pants up after you're done on the toilet, you must pull them up yourself, unless you trained your dog to do it for you.
Abramovich: Y'Wotfudd??? Stop playing these mind games with me Jose! Listen, my funds are limited this year, I think its time to sell a few of your unused players and get some cash back instead of just leeching off me.
Special Juan: But that's the difference, because the Special Juan won't compromise on his integrity to enforce a subjugated anomaly for the betterment of social causes such as racism and bigotry between the undereducated feminist chauvinist pigs. That is why I need money to buy another near fossilized player...I'm thinking maybe Ronaldo, Nedved or Scholl?
Abramovich: Well....um....you make a very persuasive argument, how about I'll let you buy all three if you give me that rim job?
Special Juan: No problem! Wait, whats a rim job?
Abramovich: You'll see... *wink*
