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Liverpool have submitted a bid for the 2020 Olympics.

However, they had to provide with this bid small list of changes they will need to
make for these games - in order for it to fit in with the local Liverpool Community.

The changes are listed below:

OPENING CEREMONY

The flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown by a native of the area in the
traditional dress of balaclava and shell suit. The flame will be contained in a large
overturned police van situated on the roof of the stadium.

THE EVENTS

In previous Olympic Games, Liverpool's competitors have not been particularly
successful. In order to redress the balance, some of the events have been
altered slightly to the advantage of local athletes.

100 METRES SPRINT

Competitors will have to hold a DVD player and microwave oven (one in each arm)
and on the sound of the starting pistol, a police dog will be released from a cage
10 yards behind the athletes.

110 METRES HURDLES

As above but with added obstacles (i.e. car bonnets, hedges, garden fences,
walls etc)

HAMMER

Competitors in this event may choose the type of hammer they wish to use (claw,
sledge etc) the winner will be the one who can cause the most physical damage
within three attempts.

FENCING

Entrants will be asked to dispose of as many stolen goods as possible in 5
minutes.

SHOOTING

A strong challenge is expected from local men in this event. The first target will be
a moving police van. In the second round, competitors will aim at a post office
clerk, bank teller or Securicor-style wages deliveryman. The traditional .22 rifle
has been replaced in this event by a choice of either a Browning automatic
handgun or sawn-off 12-bore shotgun.


BOXING

Entry to the boxing will be restricted to husband and wife teams, and will take
place on a Friday night. The husband will be given 15 pints of lager while the wife
will be told not to make him any tea when he gets home. The bout will then
commence.

CYCLING TIME TRIALS

Competitors will be asked to break into the University bike shed and take an
expensive mountain bike owned by some mummy's boy on his first trip away from
home. All against the clock.

CYCLING PURSUIT

As above, but the bike will be owned by a visiting member of the Australian rugby
team, who will witness the theft.

MODERN PENTATHLON

Amended to include mugging, breaking and entering, flashing, joyriding and arson.

SWIMMING EVENTS

All waterways are currently being tested for toxicity levels, once one is found that
can support human life, swimming events will be organised, please note that the
Synchronised Swimming event for this year will comprise of dropping acid and
watching all the funky ripples on the pool, the specific musical support to this
event will be provided by "The Verve."

THE MARATHON

A safe route has yet to be decided.

MEN'S 50KM WALK

Unfortunately this will have to be cancelled as the police cannot guarantee the
safety of anyone walking the streets of Liverpool, especially anyone that
appears to be... mincing

THE CLOSING CEREMONY

Entertainment will include formation rave dancing by members of the Bootle
Health in the Community anti-drug campaigners, synchronised rock throwing, and
music by the Toxteth community choir. The flame will be extinguished by police riot
water cannon following the inevitable pitch invasion by confused Liverpool FC
organised hooliganism club. The stadium itself will then be boarded up before the
local athletes break into it and remove all the copper piping and the central
heating boiler
 
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