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In Jones we trust
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8,412 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
For many of us who love United it is logical for us to subscribe to the official club channel MUTV. There isn't much that you need to see, just interviews with the players (who lets face it, mainly say the same kind of things in every interview) and old matches (who wouldn't want to watch United's away Champions League win against Aalborg from 2008 again?

I feel that although MUTV is often referred to on the forum it has yet to be given an in-depth appraisal. This is something that we shall have to remedy. Starting with a run-down of the many faces (and voices) that populate the screens of MUTV subsciber on a daily basis.


David Stowell: Stowell is a likable kind of guy. He has a friendly voice and manner about him. Had he taken a different career path you could imagine him in any number of non-threatening jobs such as primary school teacher or as manager of a branch of Waterstones. He tries hard and is decent enough on commentary (especially when compared to his co-commentator). You get the impression that he has applied for jobs at the BBC and Sky and instead ended up playing straight-man to Paddy Crerand's court-jester and has since given up hope that he'll be anything other than this. Probably most likely MUTV employee to flip out like Michael Douglas in 'Falling Down'.



Mark Sullivan: Mark Sullivan looks like a bit of a bell-end. He also acts like one more often than not. He looks like the kind of guy who'd buy a tuxedo just so he could walk around his house pretending that he's James Bond. He usually has a hair-cut that he looks like he's stolen from somebody twenty years younger which makes him look like an even bigger nob. he often strays from the subject at hand and inserts what he perceives to be witticisms into conversation. Most of the people who is talking to look at him like he's a twat (especially Andy Richie) which is understandable. . . Because he is.



Mandy Henry: Mandy is the longest serving MUTV presenter and was the reporter on the day that United changed their name from Newton Heath to Manchester United. No. Not really. But she has been there for so long that now she even seems to make half the programmes with her name regularly appearing on the credits to the in-house produced documentaries. Her position is underlined by the fact that there are numerous younger and more attractive women who could take her spot sat opposite Lou Macari and Quinton Fortune on a regular basis and yet Mandy inexplicably remains. But you can't hate her for it since she is so overbearing nice and looks like she suffers more than most when United lose.





^ Lou Macari: Lou is so dour that you could have just watched United beat Liverpool 10-0 and he'd be sat on the post-match phone-in looking like somebody had just slapped him over the face with a kipper. Or indeed maybe a cod since he's got a chippy named after him. Lou always had his hands placed on his lap, like he's been told that he has to put them there and not move and often has the body-language of a man who's just been told that he's got an incendiary device under his arse that he's been told could blow at any minute if he makes any sudden movements. Lou's arse is relevant as it often goes unused since he's so busy talking shite instead. Listening to his punditry on United is like listening to an entire Leonard Cohen album while locked in a damp, dark room with no escape. . . And thats after a game that United have won.



Andy Richie: Andy Richie looks like the manager of a branch of B&Q (which is probably all he's fit to manage if you asked the fans of the clubs he's managed) . His speciality is looking at Mark Sullivan like he wants to punch him. Which nobody would blame him for if he did. He is always asked for his predictions on the upcoming match and although he is often correct since he predicts United to win EVERY single match (because he has to) has never got the scoreline exactly right. He is probably one of the more genuine and reasonable MUTV pundits although like most he doesn't say anything to court controversy he will occasionally call a spade a spade and say how poor United played if it is warranted (although they never play quite as badly as any side managed by Andy Richie).





^ Sarah Stone: Sarah Stone is hands down the hottest woman on MUTV (not too difficult), And she knows it. . . She was drafted in as Hayley McQueen's replacement when MUTV chiefs obviously realised that new blood was needed in the hot totty stakes. Sarah is pretty much a like for like replacement. She isn't trusted to present in the studio on matchdays like Hayley was though. I don't know why. Maybe because Gordon McQueen isn't her dad.
 

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In Jones we trust
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8,412 Posts
Discussion Starter #2
David May: David May is easily the most entertaining pundit on MUTV. He sits there in the studio rarely becoming animated or displaying emotion, just reeling off deadpan line after deadpan line like he's doing an impersonation or Jack Dee. May often shows complete contempt towards City with his comments. The presenter and his co-pundit usually laugh at May's comments while being conscious that they must remain professional . . . May doesn't care about being professional however, neither does he laugh at his own material does. If you pause the screen and look closely at his eyeballs you can clearly see him visualising a scene in which he is wearing a yellow hard-hat and operating a huge wrecking ball that he's about to swing right through the Etihad Eastlands City of Manchester Commonwealth Games Council House Stadium.





^ Ali Douglas: Basically Ali Douglas is an older version of Sarah Stone. I'm guessing that they signed her as the replacement for Hayley McQueen based on a picture of her from ten years ago and the fact that she has experience working at such high-profile spots as the ITN newsdesk. Then when she turned up for work they realised that she was looking more Readers Wives than Playboy these days and decided to sign Sarah from a local lapdancing club to be on the safe side. This can be the only explanation for them replacing one blonde with two blondes. . . Unfortunately they still haven't replaced Lou Macari.





^ Paddy Crerand: What can be said about Paddy that hasn't already been said? Paddy is a legendary figure at Old Trafford, that much is certain. otherwise, there is absolutely no chance in hell that MUTV would employ him as a commentator. He is so fiercely pro-United that he makes Fergie look like a season-ticket holder in The Kop by comparison. He is quite possibly the worst commentator in football. But he's funny, he's a legend and he's 'well-red'. . . So we let him off don't we?



Stewart Gardner: Unlike David Stowell who is just happy to have a job, there is a keen sense of ambition from Gardner. Stewart still believes that there is a day when he will take Martin Tyler's seat on Sky's Super Sunday. He probably won't. But he is still a pretty good commentator and one that elevates MUTV's match-coverage. He approaches Paddy with the same kind of pitying attitude that somebody shows their senile grandfather on a trip to visit them at the Nursing home. All thw while you get the feeling that he tempers his frustration at dealing with Paddy with the prospect that Sky will soon come a-calling with their chequebook at the ready to snatch him away and allow him to commentate on (meaningful) live football more than four times a year every July.



Helen McConnell: Helen McConnell is MUTV's Northern Irish version of the "Girl Next Door". Far less glamourous than Stone or Douglas and less tenured than Mandy Henry, she is MUTV's equivalent of Federico Macheda: Got potential but untrusted and certainly not better than we already have. She is usually dispatched on match-days to interview fans outside Old Trafford. Unfortunate that most of the fans that she picks tend to be the most inarticulate morons that she can find out of the 76,000 fans on their way in to the ground. But then, that's just the way it goes.





^ Quinton Fortune: Looking more and more like Bubba from 'Forest Gump' every time he appears on camera. Fortune is one of the more regular pundits appearing on the channel recently. Probably more due to the fact that he is available rather than because he is good. He contributes very little mainly because he is too recently departed from the club (compartively) and close to some of the current players and staff that he is afraid to say anything that might appear controversial in any way. All that said though, Fortune is the kind of guy that it's almost impossible to dislike.


Any analysis of MUTV wouldn't be complete without the callers. Now, I wish i could say that I remember their names but I don't. Which is a shame. Because some of them call every week. On average there are 3% Manc accented callers. One caller that sticks in the memory is a Northern lady who sounds like she's about ninety years old and used to riung up after matches. Another is a Scottish guy who calls up and says completely the opposite of popular opinion. He provides tactical masterplans that he believes would defeat Barcelona. he also sounds like a know-all twat who's played too much Football Manager. The presenters and pundits look like they wish they could say so. . . But they don't. Some of the callers talk some sense. While others sound like knucklescraping simians who you are surprised managed to actually dial the number correctly.
 

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Proto-Hipster
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46,959 Posts
I don't understand all this hate towards Lou. This man is a legend and a half, thanks to him, we were the first British team to win the Treble, not the 2nd.
Haters may GTFO.
 

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In Jones we trust
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8,412 Posts
Discussion Starter #4
I don't understand all this hate towards Lou. This man is a legend and a half, thanks to him, we were the first British team to win the Treble, not the 2nd.
Haters may GTFO.
Lou the Player.

Lou the Pundit.


Recognise the difference. ;)
 

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Most of the callers are rubbish and just repeat things. I don't know how many people have phoned in to say "I think Jones will be a future England captain, he reminds ME of John Terry" Or even worse "I think we need to buy a midfielder"...The one that made me laugh the most was a guy (hope he's not on here) Who claimed he tipped Fletcher for the top when he was young, and then said " I have another top tip for you from the youth squad, his name is Paul Pogba" All three in the studio just sat in silence.
 

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Proud hater of Scousers since 1979
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3,031 Posts
I love Lou on MUTV. Clearly biased (which i approve of) and can be very funny at times. He has had his fair share of personal tragedy which might explain his expression of 'having a face slapped with a kipper'. But my favourite pair of pundits are Lou and David may together
 

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Statto
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5,644 Posts
It takes me a good 10 minutes in to a match commentary to work out if I'm listening to David or Stewart.

My favourite Paddy commentary line (which he uses a lot) is "he's asking a lot of ......." (fill in the name) when a pass is overhit, and a player has to run for it before the ball goes out of bounds. He sounds so despairing when he says it. "Oh dearie me".

And just to throw my weight behind the "Macari is sh*t" campaign, the other night for the Arsenal Reserves match, he repeatedly said things like "I had no idea that Josh King had gone out on loan until you just told me" or "I haven't seen him play much". So why the flippety flop are you the pundit for a United Reserves match when patently ANY of the people watching the match on telly know more about the team than you do!!!

What I enjoy about MUTV the most is the 'history' programmes. I love seeing Captain's log from a previous season, so you see behind the scenes with Lee Sharpe on a gigantic mobile phone. Or the depressing 'When The Floodlights Fade' series, to remember a guy who has never come to terms with his career ending. Genuinely quite moving stuff.

The phone-ins and studio pundits are a bit pants. Some very lazy and not very insightful 'analysis'.
 

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Big Daddy
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34,250 Posts
I love the analysis of the MUTV pundits and presenters, great work Spoonman!!

Paddy Crerand is fantastic to listen to, yeah he's biased - but he's the perfect antidote to the rife ABUism in the mainstream media (Alan Smith on Sky makes me retch) he is eccentric too, but lovable with it, like a kindly old uncle. A great double act with Stewart Gardner - as the famous incident where he just wandered off from a live link will testify.

By the way, Ali Douglas is presenting tennis on Sky - so I think she's been lost to MUTV.

As for the regular callers on the phone ins - some of them are as much fixtures as the presenters.

Phil from Prestwich is probably the Hulk Hogan of the callers though - many people call in to Paddy, to have a pop at Phil. It's a good channel, and having had it for so long - I would really miss it, although sometimes the £6 per month does seem steep.
 

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I've never watched it...my son still has it I think..i've always thought it would be as cringe-worthy as the official magazine. Am I wrong?
Still...Pat Crerand..:wub:

Yeah! I worked out the smileys!
 

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Big Daddy
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34,250 Posts
Sometimes it can be a bit too "head in the sand" about certain issues, but overall it's not too bad. The production values have improved immeasurably and the documentaries are really in depth and interesting.

And Paddy is always entertaining, his show actually has me looking forward to Mondays.
 
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