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2 dwarfs pull 2 girls & take them home, 1st dwarf cant get it up & 2 make things worse, all nite he can hear 2nd dwarf saying "here i come again, 1 2 3 uuh". next morning 1st dwarf says 2 2nd "how embarrasing, i couldn't even get an erection, 2nd dwarf says "u think thats bad, i couldnt even get on the bloody bed.




Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. The other one calls the emergency services.

Caller: My friend just collapsed and I think he's dead!!

Emergency: Sir, you need to calm down, OK, we will help you but I need you to be absolutley sure he is dead before I dispatch...can you check that for me, can you make sure he's dead?

Caller: Okay...

*silence*

*GUNSHOT*

Caller: Okay now what?




A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.
'I don't want to know,' the child said, bursting into tears. 'Promise me you won't tell me.'
Confused, the father asked what was wrong.
The boy sobbed, 'When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech.
At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech.
When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech.
If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really have sex, I'll have nothing left to live for.'

.
 
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A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour, surgical procedure. A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around.

Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir !!"

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly,

"Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely......

A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k ? "
 

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It was opening night at the Orpheum and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff.

As Claude took to the stage, he announced, "Unlike most stage hypnotists who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. Its been in my family for six generations."

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch...."

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

"Shit" said the hypnotist.

It took three weeks to clean up the theatre.
 

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SALFORD RED said:
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour, surgical procedure. A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around.

Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir !!"

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly,

"Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely......

A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k ? "
 

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SALFORD RED said:
2 dwarfs pull 2 girls & take them home, 1st dwarf cant get it up & 2 make things worse, all nite he can hear 2nd dwarf saying "here i come again, 1 2 3 uuh". next morning 1st dwarf says 2 2nd "how embarrasing, i couldn't even get an erection, 2nd dwarf says "u think thats bad, i couldnt even get on the bloody bed.




Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. The other one calls the emergency services.

Caller: My friend just collapsed and I think he's dead!!

Emergency: Sir, you need to calm down, OK, we will help you but I need you to be absolutley sure he is dead before I dispatch...can you check that for me, can you make sure he's dead?

Caller: Okay...

*silence*

*GUNSHOT*

Caller: Okay now what?




A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.
'I don't want to know,' the child said, bursting into tears. 'Promise me you won't tell me.'
Confused, the father asked what was wrong.
The boy sobbed, 'When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech.
At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech.
When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech.
If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really have sex, I'll have nothing left to live for.'

.
The kid's got a point:D
 
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Discussion Starter #11
This elderly man is sitting on his front porch, sipping some scotch and smoking a cigar. His young grandson approaches him, notices the scotch and asks:
"Grandpa, can i try that?"
The grandpa responds "Well, can your dick touch your ass?"
Confused, the young boy says "No grandpa, it can't" to which the elderly man says
"Well then sorry grandson, you're too young to try this"

The grandson then notices the cigar, and asks:
"Grandpa, can I try that?"
Again, the grandpa asks "Can your dick touch your ass?"
and, once again the grandson states "No grandpa, it can't"
So of course, the grandpa replies "Well then sorry grandson, you're too young."

Frustrated, the young boy goes inside the house, and returns a minute later with a plate of delicious, freshly baked cookies. The grandpa notices these and says:
"Those sure do look good, can I try one grandson?"
and to his surprise, the grandson replies "Well grandpa, can your dick touch your ass?"
Thinking he has his grandson beat, he states confidently "Yes grandson, it certainly can.............."

"Well then go **** yourself cause grandma said these cookies are mine"
 
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A husband comes home to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room. "Where the hell do you think you're going?" he says. "I'm going to Las Vegas. You can earn $400 for a blow job there, and I figured that I might as well earn money for what I do to you free."

The husband thinks for a moment, goes upstairs, and comes back down, with his suitcase packed as well. "Where do you think you going?" the wife asks. "I'm coming with you...I want to see how you survive on $800 a year"

.
 
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Discussion Starter #14
A wealthy husband comes back from Vegas, after losing everything he starts an arguement with the wife:

" hunny, we wouldn't need a chef if you learned how to cook"

to which she replied:

" fine and we wouldn't need a gardener if you knew how to ****"

.
 
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Discussion Starter #17
A women was pregnant with triplets.

One day she goes into this bank as it was being held up. She gets shot 3 times in her stomach, but luckily she lives.

She goes to the doctor who tells her her children will be all right, one day the bullets will come out.

So 13 years later, one triplet, a girl, runs out of the bathroom and says "MOM, MOM, I WAS GOING TO THE BATHROOM AND A BULLET CAME OUT!" So the mother tells her the story.

The next day the second daughter comes out and says the same thing, "MOM, I WAS GOING TO THE BATHOOM AND A BULLET CAME OUT!"

On the third day the son comes out and says "MOM, MOM!" she goes "Let me guess, you were going to the bathroom and a bullet came out?"

he replies "No, I was jerking off and I shot the dog!"
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...............................................................................................................................



A nun is on the side of a road, hailing a cab. a cabbie pulls over and the nun hops in the car. once inside the driver just stares back at the nun in the rear view mirror.

finally, the nun asks "wouldn't you like to know where i need to go?"

the cabbie responds "yes, but i have a question to ask you, but i'm afraid to do so because it's embarassing"

so the nun says "my son, when you've been a nun for as long as i've been, you meet some very different people and hear very different things. nothing you could say would embarrass me"

the cabbie ponders this for a second, then replies "well, alright. you see, i've always had this unusual fantasy....about receiving oral sex from a nun...."

seemingly unaffected by his question, the nun states "well my son, i could help you fulfill that fantasy provided you meet two stipulations. firstly, you must be single. secondly, you must be catholic."

"WOW!" exclaims the cabbie "this is great, i'm both single and catholic!"

so the nun tells him to pull into a back alley, remove his pants, and she proceeds to satisfy his fantasy. once finished, they climb back into the cab where the cabbie begins to sob uncontrollably.

"what's wrong?" asked the nun

"forgive me sister, for i have lied. i'm not single or catholic, i'm married and jewish"

the nun promptly replies...

"thats ok, we all lie sometimes. my real name is gary, i'm on my way to a halloween party"

.
 

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Hahahahahah

Hope you don't me adding one mate...


A wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the Halloween party alone.

He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she
was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without pain and as it was still early, decided go to the party.

As her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him. So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice "chick" he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.

His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband.

After more drinks he finally whispered a little proposition in her ear
and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and made passionate love in the back seat.

Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make up for his outrageous behaviour.

She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what
kind of time he had. "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"

He replied, I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got
there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening." You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all night!" she said with unashamed sarcasm. To which the husband replied, "Actually, I gave my costume to your brother, apparently he had the time of his life."
 
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Discussion Starter #20
:eek: :D LMAO, nice one Ajant. Keep adding mate, i only started the thread, it's not just for me. Be good to have the longest joke thread on a United forum.
So anyone else...Add away.



John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm.
The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped. John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door.. only to realise there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on!!

The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and turned the wheel.
John, paralysed with terror, watched as the hand repeatedly came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.

Shortly thereafter John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road so, gathering strength, he jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.

A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realised he was crying and....wasn't drunk.
Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath.
Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other...

"Look Paddy.....there's that f*king idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it!!!!"

.
 
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