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A teacher asks her class, "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Little Johnny says "I wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, take the best bitch with me, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Hawaii, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe, an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to her three times a day".

The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with the bad behavior of the child, decides not to give importance to what he said and then continues the lesson.
"And you, Susie? " the teacher asks.

Susie says "I wanna be Johnny's bitch."
 

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mancs
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1,998 Posts
First woman on the Moon

W: Houston, we have a problem

H: What is it?

W: Nevermind its nothing

H: What is the problem?

W: Nothing…

H: Let us know the problem.

W: If you don’t know the problem, I’m not going to tell you.

H: Tell us what the problem is!

W: NO!
 

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Rustling & Hustling
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8,029 Posts
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have a dinner with her parents.

Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist in Town to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy,
it being his first time and all and it was a good long term investment.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door.

"Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still
deep in prayer, with his head down.

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend,
'I had no idea you were this religious.'

The boy turns, and whispers back,

'I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.'
 

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F.U.B.A.R.
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436 Posts
Big Shuggie is on holiday and is stuck at the airport, and proceeds to get very drunk.After about his tenth big swig at his bottle a little Japanese man accidentally bumps into him, causing the bottle to smash to the floor.
Big Shuggie is furious, he grabs the wee fellah demanding recompense and drags him out of the building. Next thing he returns with bruises all over his face. Behind him is the Japanese man who is smiling. "It is just a small Japanese thing," he explained to the crowd of waiting passengers, who were astonished, "We call it aikido."
But despite having been overwhelmed and tossed to the pavement, Big Shuggie's ire builds up and once more he challenges the Japanese man to 'go ootside' They do and within a couple of minutes Shuggie is limping back into the building, with the smiling Japanese man behind him "It is just a small Japanese thing," he explains once more to the impressed crowd, "We call it karate."
As the effects of his mauling at the hands of the wee man wears off, Big Shuggie once more bellows at the Japanese guy that he wants to take him outside and 'batter him wan' Sighing and shrugging his shoulders, the Japanese man accompanies Shuggie outside. A couple of minutes later the hushed crowd hear a thud, and Shuggie comes striding back into the airport building, beaming like a champion, "It wiz just a small Japanese thing," he explains to them, "The bumper aff a Toyota!"
 

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The Bearded Madman
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2,748 Posts
So Little Johnny's teacher is warned at the beginning of the school year not to ever make a bet with Johnny unless she is absolutely sure she will win it.

One day in class, Johnny raises his hand and says "Teacher, I'll bet you £50 I can guess what colour your underwear is." She replies, "Okay, meet me after class and we'll settle it." But before class ends, she goes to the bathroom and removes her panties.

After class is over and the pupils clear out, Johnny makes his guess. "Blue." "Nope. You got it wrong," she says as she lifts her skirt to reveal she isn't wearing any underwear.

"Well come with me out to my dad's car, he's waiting for me, and I'll get you the money." She follows him out. When they get to the car she informs his dad that he got the bet wrong and that she showed Johnny that she wasn't wearing any underwear.

His dad exclaims: "That cheeky bastard ! He bet me £100 this morning that he'd see your pu**y before the end of the day!"
 

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Never argue with an idiot
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2,463 Posts
A man died and was taken to his place of eternal torment by the devil. As he passed sulfurous pits and shrieking sinners, he saw a man he recognized as a lawyer snuggling up to a beautiful woman.
"That's unfair !" he cried. "I have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman."

"Shut up!" barked the devil, jabbing him with his pitchfork. "Who are you to question that woman's punishment?"
 
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A couple were Christmas shopping. The shopping centre was packed , and as the wife walked through one of the malls she was surprised when she looked around to find that her husband was nowhere to be seen. She was quite upset because they had a lot to do and hence, she became so worried that she called him on her mobile phone to ask him where he was.

In a quiet voice he said, "Do you remember the jewellers we went into about five years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we couldn't afford, and I told you that I would get it for you one day?"

The wife choked up and started to cry and said, "Yes, I do remember that shop."






















He replied, "Well, I'm in the pub next door."
 
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