[RedForceRising]

*Disclaimer* A very, very slow day at the office has allowed me the time to imagine what Wayne Rooney's diary might be like. Much like what football365 did with the Nevellier. It's meant to be taken with a whole heap of salt and hope you can appreciate it. Cheers!


Dear diary,

I missed a sitter against Blackburn today. I was clean through on goal when I saw a girl in the stands. She looked like Colleen…..hmmm yummy. Now that I’m thinking of her, I don’t think she came home last night. Ever since she bought me a guitar and had it signed by that Oasis lad, she’s been at his house every day. She says he’s teaching her guitar and new fingering techniques. I’d call her, but she always gets so angry when I call her nowadays.

Anyway, after the match, the geezer was really nice to me and said he’s not worried about my finishing and that forwards always go through good and bad spells. He’s always nice to me, old Ferg, but that meanie Ronaldo said to me that my bad spell is lasting longer than the last ice age. He said it in Portuguese and Nani and Anderson had a good laugh at me. I wouldn’t have known, if it weren’t for Carlos Q. I told him off, cos I didn’t ask him init, but he said he wanted me to hear it anyway. He hates me too.

When I got home, I decided to unwind by surfing the net. I went to my favourite Man Utd forum and they were slagging me off too. These people know nothing about football. How do I know? They were being mean about Darren Fletcher too! Can’t they see how brilliant Fletch is? He wouldn’t be the captain of Scotland if he were rubbish. Gaarrrghh,….

Ole called me and asked me to join him at Carrington for some shooting practice, but I think I’m going to follow Carlos T to his favourite hairdresser instead. Wes, Rio and Mike just used their signing-on money from their new contracts to buy the business and are going to open several hair salons all over the country where people can get their hair done just like Carlos, cos everybody has been saying how good it looks. I’m sure the business will be a hit. Rio told me, if I score against Barca he’ll let me be a minority share holder. He’s such a nice guy Rio. He even told me he would give Colleen guitar lessons, if I didn’t like that Oasis bloke doing it. I didn’t even know, he plays the guitar, but that just shows what a great guy he is.

OK, gotta go now, the guys from the dealership just delivered the new Aston Martin, left the keys at the door and ran away. They’re always so shy! I should leave them signed autographs at the door next time to break the ice.

I’ll write more tomorrow about how it went at the hair salon........

 

[Forever_United]

hahahaha i like it.

and i DO belive its colleen fault for his goal shortage...that and the media ! look at beckham, he dried up as well and left united cos of his missus and the media coverage.

on the other hand we have giggs, neville and scholes. who all shunned the media spotlight and are STILL playing for the reds after all these years.

see the difference ?

 

[marty davidson]

lol very funny

 

[Jazz 16]

lol good one mate. keep 'em coming...

 

[red_devils4life]

It's good to have a nice laugh once in a while...so keep it up mate. Hope to see more of this in the near future

 

[Keano!]

........very funny!......lol mate!

And now the hair salon! .p.......what is it? 2 all over?

 

[akash_reds]

lmao...very good

 

[haggler]

me like

 

[fazman]

well done funny guy but not a funny as me lol!!!

 

[Wazza1989]

funny...very funny ...like it a lot

 

[RedForceRising]

Wayne's World - Diary Entry #2

Dear Diary,

It's been awhile since my last entry and I do apologize, but thing's have just been crazy at Carrington. In fact, if I hadn't stolen myself out of Lord Fergie's office, while he was on the phone with Steve Bennett and Steve Bruce, I would still be shining his shoes in his closet.

It's a good thing, I cut out that hole during all my long, lonely nights during my first season at Old Trafford.

Good news! Even though I didn't score against Barcelona, Rio and the boys are still giving me a share in their new business venture! In fact, they let me be a major shareholder, because they have decided to concentrate on teaching Colleen and her friends guitar, so they can make them into an all girl band.

I was really angry that they didn't want to involve me, and to be honest that I hadn't thought of it first, but then they told me to think of all the money I would be making setting up hair saloons all over the country allowing people to get their hair done just like Carlos Tevez and Didier Drogba.

That really made me happy!

To celebrate my goal against Chel$ki (smart innit? - the $ sign replacing the 's'. I think I'm a genius! ), Rio and Ronaldo gave me a banjo and a life-size poster of cow's behind. They presented it in front of the whole dressing room and everyone was laughing until I pointed out that I don't play banjo - I've started learning GUITAR! HELLOOO?! That made the dressing room go silent and everybody was looking at each other - and rightly so! They don't know me like they think they do!

Speaking of goals, I was analyzing John Arne Riise's own goal against the scum. What a beauty. I've been practicing it with Rene everyday after training at Carrington and I just can't get it right. He must be an amazing talent! Rafa and Stevie are so lucky to have such a great footballer in their team and he;s ginger-haired too!

I asked Giggsy, if he knew how to time a header like that and how to get the angle right, but he just shook his head and just said that it only comes with experience.

He highlighted his goal against Wigan as an example. After he received my pass he actually wanted to turn and shoot it against Titus Bramble and then have a laugh as the ball bounced off him and past Kirkland, but at the last moment his natural, predator instincts, which have been honed throughout the many years took over and he decided to pass it, but he scuffed the pass and it actually went it to the goal.

He was well pleased and I'm chuffed for him!

BRB, I hear the phone ringing. Promise!

OK, I'm back. That was my cousin who works at Heathrow. Apparently he just saw Roman Abramovic with a bunch of nice birds, but as soon as they entered the transit lounge, the girls went to sit with a guy named Lubos Michel.

Apparently he's a ref of some sort. My cousin suspected something might be amiss, but I told him not to worry. Roman did the same thing for Ronnie and me at Stamford Bridge. We didn't have much to talk about, because I don't speak Russian, so I sent them to Ronnie. That Ronnie.... he has a very bad sense of navigation or maybe trying to talk to the girls in Russian disorientated him, because he said he got lost on the way back to the dressing room and missed the start of the game.

Sir Alex gave me the hairdryer treatment and now I have to be with him at all times before a game. - What a bummer!

OK, I have to go now.

I need to go into town to buy a video camera for Colleen. Speaking of her, I went to that Man Utd forum the other day (I don't know why I still bother) and this bloke started a thread about footballers' wives who are fit and only two people mentioned Colleen! Are they bloody stupid or what? They must be, cos they mispelt wives and thought Kieran's lass is hot.

Those lads are clueless, mate!

Anyways, off to get that camera. Colleen wants to record her guitar lessons with Rio and Wes, so she and her band mates can practice when they're alone at home.

I really am a lucky guy!

Bye diary,

I'll write after the CL final against CHel$ki!

 

[Keano!]

lol.......quality mate!

Chel$ki (smart innit? - the $ sign replacing the 's' I think I'm a genius! ),

lmao! Brillaint!


Looking forward to entry no. 3!

 

[Jazz 16]

lol good read RFR, you have a vivid imagination or you are just really bored at work ;-)
Keep 'em coming.

 

[versa]

Excellent work, RFR. Please don't stop!!

 

[RedForceRising]

lol.......quality mate!




lmao! Brillaint!


Looking forward to entry no. 3!

Hope I gave you a good chuckle, mate. Win or lose, I will write some time after the final when the dust has settled.

 

[RedForceRising]

Wayne's World Entry #3

Dear Diary,

Bloody hell! Has it been almost 2 months since that amazing night in Moscow?!
Unbelievable!

I’ve been wondering where I put you and I’ve finally found you at the bottom of my kitbag, which I forgot to unpack since that fateful night on the 21st of May.

You can’t blame me for forgetting with all the partying, but I am sorry that I put you in between Carvalho’s and Ronaldo’s underwear.

The morning after was a blur anyway and I just woke up in time to see the both of them leaving with two Russian birds. I tried to ask them what was going on, but I had a rubber ball in my mouth, which was surprising but not as surprising as discovering that I was handcuffed.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw some movement and Carlos Queiroz and Ramon Calderon stepped out of the bathroom in bath robes. Q was nice enough to remove the rubber ball, but laughed at me when I asked him about the handcuffs.

Ramon patted me on the head and said I was a good boy; the best he’d ever had and they both walked out of my room. He’s such a silly git - I don’t even play for Real Madrid!

Nani and Anderson were nice enough to uncuff me after Ronnie bumped into them in the corridor and gave them instructions to do so. I just wished they hadn’t gone for breakfast first, because Rio and Wes found me before they did and got thier tattoo artist friend to give me a tattoo on my arm. It looks quite awful, but the words are pure poetry and I hear it’s something from the Koran. Maybe I can impress that chick from the Man Utd forum with it.

………….

After the celebrations, we joined up with the England squad, whch was a laugh. Hargo came up with the idea of slipping on to our arses whenever John passed us the ball. It was hilarious!

The only person who didn’t find it hilarious apart from the Cel$ki boys was Don Capello, he looked so angry that we all just pointed at Rio and said it was his idea and the poor guy had to fly out to Trinidad and Tobago because of that.

The following weeks were a blur and before I knew it, Colleen and I were tying the knot.

It was a perfect day and my only regret is that Rio and Wes couldn’t make it.
They had been there the night before, but mysteriously didn’t attend the wedding

I caught them sneaking out of Colleen’s room the night before and was ready to kill them, but they told me they had been helping Colleen write a song for our wedding and begged me not to ruin the surprise.

I felt so ashamed. I can be so slow sometimes! What else would her guitar teachers be doing in her room on the eve of her wedding?! *smackshead* Hello, Wayne? Anybody home?!

Anyway, I’m writing this entry from a hotel room in Las Vegas while we’re on honeymoon.

Did you know that everything in America is bigger and better? I swear!

The Double Whopper with cheese is H-U-G-E and totally owns the burgers in England.

Sir Alex saw one of the pics of Colleen and me at the KFC and he wasn’t happy at all. He rang me up straight away and gave me a right ear full! Bloody geezer! He said, if I kept eating that stuff, I wouldn’t age gracefully and I should take care of myself like Ryan, Gazza and he have.

I asked him if he had looked in the mirror lately and while he was fumbling for words I told him that if Gary had aged a bit more gracefully, maybe he wouldn’t have frightened that poor Welsh lad at Carrington and he might have signed for us instead of ArseAnal.

(quite good eh? I came up with that all by myself!…..chuffed!).

I hung up and haven’t been taking his calls since. He can be quite persistent and annoying, so I did what Roonie told me he had done and just got my mobile provider to forward Fergie’s calls to Ramon Calderon.

That’s going to cost me, I know, and I already fear for my backside, but a man has got to take a stand and enough is enough. As long as he doesn’t make me wear the Shrek outfit while he does it, I’ll be ok.

I don’t quite know why Ronnie forwards his calls to Calderon, but he has a strange sense of humour, that Cristiano! A few weeks back, he hired a hacker to take over a Man Utd forum and deleted all the threads and banned people.

He can be quite evil.

Back to the present and I’m getting ready to got out to dinner with my sweetness. She’s so gorgeous and totally out of my league.

While we were at the pool just now, she handed me a cigarette and asked me to hold it while she tied up her hair. I then heard some clicking and when I looked up, I saw a bloody photographer sitting in a tree snapping away.

I was about to throw a rock at him, when Colleen stopped me and asked me not to be silly and told the photographer to get down. She then handed him a big wad of cash and told him that would be all.

She saw the utter bewilderment on my face and just flashed her angel smile and gave me a kiss.

Apparently, she had hired the photographer to take candid pictures of us for our wedding album and asked him to take them from weird positions, so he could “capture the essence of our love from all angles.”

I know……. I AM THE LUCKIEST SCOUSER ALIVE!!

;-)

 

[Guest]

Fantastic read as always RFR, you really do have a talent for writing these.

I just wish you could write more often but I'm sure they're quite time
consuming and require a lot of effort.

Rep coming your way

 

[versa]

Been a long time. Welcome back.

Thought you would have expounded and spilled the beans a little more on The Brat's heavily assisted campaign to Real Madrid.

Then I realised I am no Wayne and Wayne is the 'author' of his own diary.

But don't get me wrong. Still the best read you can find in this forum. *thumbs up*

 

[RedForceRising]

Fantastic read as always RFR, you really do have a talent for writing these.

I just wish you could write more often but I'm sure they're quite time
consuming and require a lot of effort.

Rep coming your way

Thanks, zuco!

I'll try to be more consistent.

Anyway, my boss is gone till the last few days of July and I'll be exiled in Pittsburgh for the whole of August, which will leave me a lot of nights in my hote room to post.... if I'm not in a strip club, ha!

 

[RedForceRising]

Been a long time. Welcome back.

Thought you would have expounded and spilled the beans a little more on The Brat's heavily assisted campaign to Real Madrid.

Then I realised I am no Wayne and Wayne is the 'author' of his own diary.

But don't get me wrong. Still the best read you can find in this forum. *thumbs up*

All will be covered in the next post I swear!

the whole Portuguese clan is gonna get it from me!